Diving and babies - Goal celebrations

One of the oft-repeated quotes from footballers is that scoring goals is better than sex... But how do they celebrate? We know from the age of webcams and kiss-and-tells that perhaps goals are more important, we don't often see too many Dirty Den style poses or dances.

Some goal celebrations are good. Some are bad. The biased fan at the ground doesn't always appreciate them. Some players even get a sense of self-importance about a former club that they just stand there looking solemn.

Klinsmann Air, first stop Sheffield

In 1994, Tottenham pulled off a massive coup by signing Germany striker Jurgen Klinsmann, and with it his massive reputation (in England anyway) for being a diver... Of course these days we'd have saw this coming, but back then, irony in sport had yet to be invented and of course Jurgen certainly wanted to make a splash. After his first goal, he ran to the touchline and flung himself to the ground, and into all the papers. And then he quickly flounced off to Bayern Munich, having had the audacity to fall our with Alan Sugar.

The hands that rock the cradle

1994 was hardly a vintage year for football, and definitely not for goal celebrations. The above effort was from the World Cup of that year, after Bebeto scoring against Holland in the quarter-finals. While a father will always be proud, and no doubt lighting cigars is a yellow card offence, was it necessary to spawn this? According to Wikipedia, this made Bebeto a household name... While no Romario, the fact that he had scored 31 goals prior to this is surely more memorable...

Hands up who wants to sit on the MOTD couch?

Boring. Saw it far too often... I'm sure Newcastle fans enjoyed it.

Catch of the Day

Icelandic club Stjarnan seem to be the latest fad, with Youtube-friendly celebrations such as reeling in fish etc. Funny at first. Like British sitcoms or a good debut album - I look forward to new material, but perhaps best to stop where they are.

Like earlier blogs, it comes across like the writer pines for ye olde days, where men would shake hands after a goal and get back to kicking each other. Goal celebrations are part of the game now. Let's hope we get some new, original efforts.

The Amazing Wang? Shirt sponsors

Some people see football shirts as fashion accessories (they look good with jeans?!), others as just threads to wear on a Saturday afternoon... But to Faceless Evil Corporation(TM) the shirts are a blank canvas, an advertising hoarding with thousands of captive readers.

Several large companies see it as a major marketing strategy - but is it always right?

A 'tache is for life, not just Movember

In 1986, Oxford United won the English League Cup (then the Milk Cup), and introduced their sponsor WANG to the world... Back then perhaps, Wang was known as a computer hardware company. A galaxy away from the current general use for Wang - penis. Another reason as to why a man can't go dress shopping with a woman, anywhere near Vera Wang...

Real Madrid were sponsored by the Green Goblin...

In 2004, Atletico Madrid were sponsored by Columbia Pictures, leading to hilarious results... Throughout that season, the club's shirts were emblazoned with new films such as Hitch, Spanglish and xXx, but they took it to strange new levels with the above away shirt - not content with a small Spider-Man 2 badge on the front - they had to go all out and totally cover the thing with a spider web.

Andy Carroll signs for Clydebank

In the 1990's, Scottish warblers Wet Wet Wet were busy punishing the ears of music-listeners up and down the land with their cover of Love Is All Around, from some film that was out at the time. Normally, nothing to do with football - Bryan Adams did something similar a few years prior, and his main crime was claiming to support Chelsea, even before they were officially founded in 2003.

But Wet Wet Wet couldn't let it lie. They hailed from Clydebank, and decided that as part of a plan so fiendish Dr Evil wouldn't do it, they'd emblazon their logo over the club's shirts. It is highly likely that this is the main reason that the club folded in 2002...

Lastly, a shirt that technically doesn't fit in this blog - the main logo across the front isn't a company, but the club's name. One of the biggest ever sellers on Subside Sports , Deportivo Wanka. It just needed to be said.

Who's the Wanka in the green and white?

NOTE: I had actually planned a mention of Leeds United's shirts in the early 1990s with Top Man on them, but the photo I had was of Gary Speed, so not good timing. RIP.

Crest vs copyrights - more than a symbol?

Tis the season to be bringing out next summer's Euro 2012 kits. We know the drill. They look exactly the same, and come August, you can get them for a fiver from Sports Direct (or St James' Park by then).

But the Polish effort this time round has caused controversy by removing the traditional white eagle emblem with a generic effort, purely for the fact that this new logo can be copyrighted easily, thus making it easier to punish counterfeiters. This change has caused such uproar that even the recent friendly with Hungary was part-boycotted by fans. Perhaps it has worked, as the Polish FA have decided to 'review' the change... Which will certainly give Nike a headache, as the shirt was meant to have been released on November 15th...

Is that an eagle in the design?

We've seen this before, for exactly this reason, in England. In 2002, Arsenal changed their crest to the current badge for the sole reason that they believed they were losing valuable (unspent) revenue by having counterfeiters and unlicensed traders use the former logo. Ironically the thing that seemed to rile most fans was that the cannon was changed to face the opposite direction, geographically away from Tottenham...

Most clubs have changed their badge over the years, and in the end, the fans just get on with it - imagine if Chelsea still had their original crest that resembles Captain Birds Eye? Or something like a rugby ball, which seemed to signify their playing style at the time...

1905-1952                                           1952-1953

Of course the badge is now seen tattooed on the great unwashed/loyal fan* (*delete as applicable), or a swimming pool shape for affluent types - David Dein's swimming pool features a rather large cannon - this is true, I've seen it. It's also a symbol we associate with the players who wear it.

Goal celebrations (a whole other blog I've yet to come up with) can give a deep insight into that player's psyche. But how often do we see said player kissing the badge in order to try and prove that they really love the club? Or that they really don't need the pay rise their agent is scrabbling around for? They must taste good anyway.

That'll show those pesky lip-readers

Perhaps the Polish boycott will have an influence. Will Nike decide to reproduce tens of thousands of shirts? Or shall we just look forward to the next redesign of the England badge? Lions are endangered after all...

Seeds, pots and vegetables - UEFA draws

This week saw the full line up confirmed for Euro 2012, along with the relevant seedings for the groups. The draw will take place in Kiev on December 2nd, so fans can begin planning their trips and summer BBQs. But should the draw be as hotly anticipated as it already is?

As soon as the final play-off result was known, UEFA boffins had worked out their various formulae and decided which participant will be in which pot. The magic maths they use is now used by the average fan in the street, so much so that a Romanian website programmer proved so influential that altering decimal points allowed the Faroe Islands to be seeded above Wales in the 2014 World Cup qualifying round.

Fabio Capello ate my hamster?

Of course football these days is run at the behest of television and sponsors, who want the best teams playing in the latter stages. But would things be that different if the competition draws were open and unseeded? The European Cup in it's original format of course provided an open draw, and more often than not, the best team still won. And for the fans, isn't it great that occasionally a Denmark, Greece or Nottingham Forest can win against the odds?

The statistics used by UEFA (and FIFA) have such influence, that the results of single matches can decide whether a nation gets an extra place in future tournaments. A dead rubber on matchday 6 can still be important for a team's future seedings. Nice that games have extra meaning, but it still rules in favour of the big clubs.

Er, I lost count, can we start again?

The plus points of seeded draws - the speculation, the fantasy ideal draws... Looking at the Euro 2012 draw, the perk of joint hosts will be the fact that two of the top seeds are Poland and Ukraine, no merit involved at all, just a bonus for winning the auction rights to host the Championships. The rest can dream, and Twitter wags can make jokes that a draw of Spain, Italy, Greece and Ireland will be the group of debt.

The supposed magic of the FA Cup (and most domestic competitions) is the fact that the 3rd round could equally pitch Manchester United against Barnet or Arsenal. Alas we don't have the glorious Graham Kelly, but football legends Noel Gallagher and Serge 'flash git from Soccer AM' Pizzorno pulling the balls out of the bag, but even then the cries of fix rang around as their respective teams (Manchester City and Leicester) were drawn together...

The new Brit award trophy raised large eyebrows

Maybe if Coca-Cola, McDonalds or Sony ask hard enough, we may be seeing a Champions League group of Barcelona, Real Madrid, Chelsea and Bayern Munich... At least 28 other clubs will be happy!

She wore a yellow ribbon - Wembley

Tonight sees another international friendly at England's national football stadium at Wembley, with the hosts facing Sweden. Both teams have qualified for Euro 2012, and will be using the match to blood new players, and try new ideas prior to the competition. But if reports are to be believed, it is unlikely the attendance will be north of 50,000. Is this a symptom of financial hardship in general, perhaps the public voting with their feet? Or is the magic of going to a game at Wembley gone?

Since Wembley re-opened in 2007, it has played host to all manners of events - the Race of Champions, a version of Super Mario Kart for racing drivers; a now annual NFL game which is rumoured to be leading towards a London-based franchise; and even more concerts than before. Of course these events aren't anything new, but they're as vital as ever, as the stadium cost over £750m to build.

Knievel was often accused of 'parking the bus'

While playing at Wembley must still be the pinnacle of any professional's career, a quick scan through Twitter during the Sweden game will no doubt give rise to calls for more games to be played away from London. While Wembley was being built, England played all over the country, in Derby, Sunderland and Middlesbrough to name a few. Do the FA really need the money for Wembley so badly they need to play FA Cup semi-finals at the stadium as well?

The poor attendances for friendly games are nothing new - in 1995, England hosted Columbia in front of a crowd of 20,038, although the game was more famous of course for Rene Higuita's 'scorpion kick'. Perhaps the Euro 96 effect did more for English football than first thought.

Scotland fans start demolition of the old Wembley

Wembley (or the Empire stadium for the pedants) was always going to be the national stadium. It's history, the name, the iconic towers/arch are famous the world over. But maybe the money men should stop and think - would the players who get one cap prefer their sole international appearance to be on the hallowed turf of their normal club ground? Would a Brazilian star dream of playing in the North-East?

Or they could share the same turf as some of the world's cultural behemoths - Mandela, Mercury, Jagger, or some wrestlers instead...

Summerslam '92 - quality acting at Wembley

PS For the record, I think every England home international should be at Wembley, but perhaps moving some club games (semi-finals, play-off games, Community Shield) would retain the mystery, give some other fans a chance, and save us from paying the extortionate prices for a pie...

If the shoe fits - football boots

One of the best bits of football is the basic fact that it's eleven men v eleven, wearing the same kits, kicking a pig's bladder around (or something more synthetic, see previous blog...). The kits allow very little room for fashion, trends or cults. Sure, you can extend a sock over the knee, or lift the collar, but the team are bound by the whims of the relevant sportswear manufacturer.

But boots... The feet allow for an expression that an alice band or tattoo won't, something that budding Beckhams can imitate. Like most other equipment, technology has had a massive influence, but it's basically a shoe with bits of plastic sticking out the bottom.

In a recent Independent article concerning England v Spain, Gary Lineker reveals that he had recently signed a deal to wear Quasar boots (remember them?), and was due to wear them for the first time against Spain in 1987 - he scored four goals in that game, but bemoaned the weight of them as well as the fact the soles were hanging off at full time...

Guaranteed to score four v Spain - more likely own goals

Boots started off being worker-style efforts, leather lace up boots, toecaps and studs. Now they are more like slippers, moulded to the foot of the wearer, weighing just a few grammes, promoting the manufacturer and some other message. After all the furore of will-FIFA-won't-FIFA allow poppies, Theo Walcott's boots emblazoned them anyway.

Former Liverpool player Craig Johnston was instrumental in creating the Adidas Predator boots, a boot featuring all manners of rubber addition, to assist the ball move in wicked directions, with increased power and more control. Initially, they were the most controversial boot ever, and now? Par for the course, of course...

Miss Whiplash had a cracking left foot

Now boots are so colourful and advanced that it's almost abnormal to have simple black boots. 5-a-side pitches across the land are graced with wannabes and never-bes, all wearing pink, green and blue boots, but perhaps without the skills of the original owners.

Again this blog is in danger of harking back to the glory days of the 1980s, where centre forwards and centre backs wore the same boots, necessary in those days to lump the heavy balls into the net, but also for protection - the number of metatarsal injuries are almost certain to be linked to the featherlight boots of today.

There does seem to be one throwback footballer doing rather well, of sweeping side parting and blackened boots, anchoring the England midfield, not afraid to tackle or do the basics well. It's just a shame Scott Parker didn't participate in Movember as well...

Jimmy! We're off to Wimpy!

Euro 2012 play-offs - new faces

The European Championships are often credited with being a stronger tournament that the World Cup. Without some of the filler from the other confederations, it's a chance for the 16 strongest teams in Europe to battle it out - the next tournament in 2016 will feature 24 teams.

But this week sees the first leg of the play-off round, with five of the eight participants not even existing (in their current guises) in the 1980s. Does this signal a shift in power to the former Eastern European nations? Or merely a sign that the bigger nations are struggling?

Croatia and Czech Republic both did well in their formative years, the Czechs reaching the final of Euro 96, with the Croats getting to the semi-finals of World Cup 98. But it's the other teams which have slowly made their way towards the top table.

Scotland celebrate a 0-0 draw against nobody

Estonia (independent since 1991) face the Republic of Ireland on Friday, seeking to qualify for their first tournament. They first appeared on the radar in Britain after their farcical tie with Scotland in 1996, where they failed to turn up, yet we given a replay and drew 0-0, with Scotland effectively scoring a 0-0 result against a team that didn't turn up. After coming second to Italy, they are 180 minutes from the finals, their path certainly taking a different trajectory from the Scots in recent years.

Also on Friday, Montenegro face the Czech Republic in an even swifter rise to prominence. Only declaring independence in 2006, they came second in the group including England, drawing both games against the English. They feature Serie A stars Mirko Vučinić (Juventus) and Stefan Jovetic (Fiorentina), but they are much greater than the sum of their parts and would give most of the big nations a good game.  Montenegro is also famous for being the setting of Casino Royale, so one imagines the UEFA bandwagon won't be far away...

David Luiz went to Florence and all he got was amnesia

The other newer nation in the play-offs are Bosnia and Herzegovina (1992), who were just minutes away from automatic qualification in their game in France. They also reached the play-offs for the 2010 World Cup, where they lost to Portugal. The most famous player being Edin Džeko of Man City, they again face Portugal for Euro 2012. After losing out by one point to the French, what price on them qualifying and playing them again in the tournament?

With some of the surprise winners of the tournament in the past (Greece, Denmark), what price on a winner from one of the new European nations? And of course, the possibility of recreating one of the greatest goals of all time... 

Not bad, I'm sure you'll agree...

Escape to solid 0-0 draw - Football on the silver screen

Football would make an ideal subject for a film. Unpredictable, filled with great characters, and the wardrobe has been sorted by someone else... But so far, good films about footy have been few and far between - and even then, the Oscar isn't coming any time soon.

But some of the better films have come from either different sources (books), different styles (documentary) or remake. There is a massive gap there for the fictional film, which to be fair, is missing from most team sports.

But what of the films that have already been made?

That was a save for the cameras...

Escape to Victory came to our Bank Holiday screens in the early 80s. It featured Sylvester Stallone and Michael Caine, and also some of the world's best footballers (Pele, Bobby Moore, John Wark?!), what's not to like? It's amazing they've not remade it already with Daniel Craig and David Beckham. There was a plot about escaping from the Nazis, but of course the selling point is Stallone in goal for the POWs, and a chance to see Pele on a big screen performing, unlike the medicine he has now resorted to selling...

Moody Frenchman shock

Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait came from a different angle. Essentially just a promotion for Sky's Player-cam, it follows Zidane through a Real Madrid match at the Bernabeu against Villarreal in 2005. It was amazingly well received, but would it have worked any differently with another player? Would people fawn over Eboue: The Musical? Or perhaps 90 minutes of watching John Terry try to keep his footing... Great date movie though.

Pre-Oscar Firth pays his dues

Fever Pitch the book was amazing, even championed by non-Arsenal fans. It told the story of a boy becoming a man, using the backdrop of football and culture. The film came out in the late 1990s, starring Colin Firth, and became a tale of a man growing up, all around his love for his club, and some back-story into how he became who he is. It was also turned into a horror film about baseball but best to ignore that. Firth has since gone onto bigger things, and not just Bridget Jones.

Maybe the world is just crying out for a Rocky-style against the odds epic involving football. Plenty have tried, dishonourable mention to When Saturday Comes with Sean Bean. The football films these days have floated around the topic, aiming at hooligan groups and people playing in prison.

Kicking and Screening was a film festival around London featuring some of the better films based on the sport... But maybe if it becomes a permanent feature, we wouldn't need a festival to see a decent film, we could queue up with everyone at the local Cineworld.

Balls to it - the changing faces of footballs

This weekend sees the arrival of the Seitiro Hi-Vis football, the yellow version of the ball used in all Premier League games… Now an annual event, when the league use an apparently more visible ball for the gloomy winter months. Another evolution in the key piece of equipment in the game? Or just a blatant excuse to plug budding Sunday Leaguers to shell another £80 or so in order to try and recreate a mental dipping Ronaldo free kick.

The Blue Man Group picked up the wrong shade

The history of the football is a tale worthy of a Hollywood movie, one of those My Fair Lady jobs where the star becomes refined, floaty and, in the case of the Simpsons, yellow. But is that better? In years, will people reminisce about the 2011 Premier League football, and how simple and elegant it was? At least the current video games allow us the choice to change the ball, and I doubt many will choose the current.

The encylopaedic Soccerballworld.com shows a history of footballs used during World Cups since 1970, and it screams 'classic'. Perhaps it is also a link to the wider screening of games on telly, when the ball became almost as symbolic as the kit. Plus, they just looked awesome, seeing Carlos Alberto finish off Italy in the 1970 final, that Adidas Telstar ball, white with black hexagonal patches, nestling beautifully in the bottom corner.

The 99p flyaway ball was a success

Of course the goals themselves are the key, or the thing of beauty on occasion. But does the ball make that much of a difference? Players (mostly goalkeepers) make a big song and dance about how the ball moves in the air, but do they wish for the days when the ball would be a big leather brick, absorbing water? Would Javier Hernandez be as proficient a header of the ball if he got a concussion every time he went for a header?

  

Ouch

These footballs were blamed for senility and dementia by former Celtic player Billy McPhail, and perhaps many more - but football has changed. Sure, some of the ideas are the same, but with all the football on TV, and the marketing exploits, people want to see quick, fleet footed players. Imagine the thigh strength required to put one of those old balls in the top corner from 30 yards!

So maybe it's a matter of personal taste, and we all have our memories... But my personal favourite is the Tango Espana... What's yours?

Back of the net

APOEL of my eye - has Platini got it right?

APOEL Nicosia. Oţelul Galaţi. Viktoria Plzeň. To some, amongst the top 32 clubs in Europe. They are currently in the knockout rounds of the Champions League. APOEL even top their group after matchday four, a group featuring three of the last four winners of the Europa League (Porto, Zenit and Shahktar).

Of course the European Cup (a more appropriate name) has been littered with small teams throughout it's history. Without seeking to disrespect, winners between 1986 and 1991 include Steaua Buchurest, Porto, Crvena Zvezda and PSV Eindhoven - perhaps a time when a smaller club could genuinely have ambitions to go far, albeit with the help of a kindly draw, something the group stages have had a massive effect on.

Porto celebrate in 1987

But from the mid 1990s until the present day, the final stages of the tournament has almost exclusively been the preserve of Europe's elite - perhaps with the exception of 2004, when the final four were Monaco, Deportivo La Coruna, Chelsea and eventual winners Porto, under the leadership of a then little known Jose Mourinho.

In 2007, Michel Platini became UEFA president, and one of his main briefs was to reduce the monopoly of clubs from England, Spain and Italy, and has taken steps to guarantee more places for the champions of clubs from the smaller nations which have swelled UEFA so much. Each season, as well as those places guaranteed for the high finishers in main leagues, 5 places are reserved for the winners of other domestic leagues - this season's such representatives being APOEL (Cyprus), BATE Borisov (Belarus), Plzeň (Czech Republic), Genk (Belgium) and Dinamo Zagreb (Croatia).

 Michel picks the venue for the UEFA Jolly Boys outing

It is certainly a good time if you're a fan of discovering new places - but what are the other benefits?

• Money: The obvious one. Entry into the group stages of the tournament is worth millions to the participents. Even just the guarantee of 6 matches, with the sponsorship, TV and ticket sales that come with it.
• Experience: The chance to face Europe's best players is an opportunity that is rarely replicated at league level - Messi, Van Persie, Ronaldo probably won't play too much in the top flight in Finland, so the clubs relish it.
• National development: The native players from these clubs benefit from the exposure to the world class players, something which may well be behind some of the more surprising rises in Euro 2012 qualifying, with Bosnia, Montenegro and Estonia in the playoff round.
• Shop window: Even with the riches of Europe, some clubs make their living by developing and selling on the best talent (Arsenal?) - a good run to perhaps the knockout round could inflate prices hugely, and let the world know all about their star striker...

 Europe's scouts queue to get into a 1st round qualifier before the days of YouTube

Rumours of a breakaway European super league continue, but isn't football a better place with the risk of the upset? EasyJet would probably go out of business, you know that on the European matchweeks that half their clientele are on their way to pastures new...