Footballers should never go back... Those who did, and flourished

Friday saw the confirmation of recent rumours that Thierry Henry is due to return to Arsenal after almost five years away, and just three weeks after the club unveiled a statue immortalising him around the stadium. Henry was Arsenal's top goalscorer...

Arsenal's tribute to Michael Jackson wasn't quite so bling

But which way will this go? Plenty of articles have been written about the players who fail on their returns, but what about the successes?

Mark Hughes

'Ailsa' as he is commonly known, started his career at Manchester United (scoring 37 goals in 89 appearances) before becoming part of a British exodus to Europe, lured by money and European football. After stints at Barcelona and Bayern Munich, and returned to Manchester to even greater acclaim and glory, with another 82 goals in 7 seasons.

Home and away

Peter Beardsley

One of the most skilful English forwards of the 80s and 90s, Beardsley led a nomadic life (Carlisle, Vancouver and Man Utd) before his first spell at Newcastle. Scoring 61 goals in 147 games led him to Liverpool as part of the Ian Rush replacement programme, for a then British record £1.9m. He returned to Tyneside in 1993, having also played for Everton, and forged deadly partnerships with Andy/Andrew Cole and Les Ferdinand. His England career was perhaps not so bright, the same could also be said for his career in the adult film industry.

See previous blog post about balls

Ian Rush

Liverpool's record goalscorer, he spent the main part of his career at Anfield, two spells sandwiching a year in Turin at Juventus, where he famously commented that Italy 'was like a foreign country'. His sale led to the arrivals at Anfield of Beardsley, John Barnes and John Aldridge, and in his season away, one of English football's finest teams. But he returned, and continued the scoring vein. One of the early celebrity footballers as a result of his name-check in the famous 1980s milk advert, his later career unfortunately avoided the irony of turning out for Accrington Stanley...

Real men wear pink

So for all the nay-sayers about Henry returning to Arsenal, there is precedent. Perhaps the pace has gone, and he may need to get used to sitting on the bench, but Arsenal fans may just rejoice in some attacking options on the bench that don't spell Arshavin, Chamakh or Park...

The January transfer window

Let the January sales commence! While the rest of us can get our unnecessary purchases online as soon as the last cracker is pulled, European football clubs need to sit there with itching wallets until January.

If Sky Sports is to be believed, the closing of the transfer window is the footballing equivalent of New Year's Eve, as gurning locals wait for a ball to drop, surrounding sports reporters who border on celebrity. The Sky Sports News gurus resemble a judging panel on a reality show, with Bryan Swanson, Dharmesh Sheth and the hyperactive Jim White acting as poster boys.

 I wanna be on you

Of course, Sky aren't the only villain of the piece. The BBC website often runs a live blog of deadline day, collating all the news of the day, with time for contributions for 'Dave, Essex via text'. All well and good, interaction is the future apparently. But if Dave can only provide that his mate Tel gave Ray Parlour a cab ride in 2001 from Highbury to Middlesbrough, is it really worthwhile? The hard-pressed BBC typist needs to apply a filter.

Back to Sky, do they have some sort of deal with Apple? The regular updates from the X Factor Sky gurus always seem to be delivered with some sort of Sky app for the iPad, which no self-respecting transfer gremlin is seen without. And don't get me started on that interactive screen.

Look! Angry Birds!

Of course, the main beneficiaries of this over-zealous hype are the fans. You know, the people who stay up til midnight to watch Jim White arrive by helicopter. But when it comes to those with money at a premium, what do you do? You've spent your pocket money on a shirt with your hero's name on it, and come January, they do one.

Liverpool fans were jubilant at the sale of Fernando Torres, pocketing £50m for him, and spending it on Luiz Suarez (value) and Andy Carroll (Tesco value). But those with Torres shirts? Spare a thought for them. You've spent the best part of £15, don't you wish the club would re-imburse them? Or, typical Scousers, you can just improvise.

David Burrows? Pirate John Barrrrrrrrnes?

Maybe the transfer window should stay open all the time, stop the panic buying and judge a manager by his wheeler-dealing as opposed to pointless things like coaching, tactics or motivation. Or maybe we can just all laugh at Torres...

Own goals and gaffes - the age of YouTube

Back in the 90s, Danny Baker (and many others) made a festive packet by releasing things called video tapes, containing footage of numerous errors made by footballers. Baker himself used to wander around the streets of SE London in a Millwall shirt, bemoaning about the play-offs, referees and pure bad luck. His videos were called Own Goals and Gaffs, and have been followed by all sorts of celeb endorsements, such as Johnny Vaughan, Danny 'pwopah nawty' Dyer and Robbie Savage.

Oh no, my Twitter has crashed

It seems now we don't need to wait for Christmas to see the latest boo-boos from around the globe. This week alone, a poor chap in Hong Kong was the latest video sensation, having scored one of those own goals that seemed to fly in, and would never go in again if he tried. Facebook and Twitter were alive with the clip, and the player (Nigerian Festus Baise of Sun Hei, if you're a Tottenham talent scout) is now a laughing stock the world over.

How did we get by on football before YouTube? To most English football fans, YouTube is a mystical land, where Zlatan Ibrahimovic is good, any new signing can be judged on a 45 second clip set to a Nickelback single, or a new fan can swot up on their chosen club and appear knowledgeable.

8 consecutive league titles, but can he do it in England?

Maybe Christmas shopping is the prime market for these videos, at least until internet TVs become commonplace, the perfect post dinner entertainment - watch foreign keepers save a penalty then let it spin back in with all the family! Remember David Seaman before Dancing on Ice, when he couldn't keep out a shot over 6 feet high!

YouTube and it's varients are here to stay, even making it onto regular TV broadcasts, certainly on a slow day in the Sky Sports News studio. In the days of instant fame, Twitter and camera phones, one mistake, and you're a star. Or this bloke... Sorry Festus.

Uncle Festus in his own horror show

Merry Christmas from Nelson's Column!

Christmas gift ideas for football fans

It's the time of year when you can't move for mince pies, extortionate Starbucks cups and smashed Slade compilations... And also when you get to a week before Christmas and realise you get your avid football supporting colleague in the secret Santa for the office party.

You know which team he supports - his desk is full of tat, fixtures lists, mugs etc. So what else do you get that would enrich his life? Let's see what you can get for your money...

Manchester City:

You know the one. Always claims his Dad was from Manchester. Liked Oasis. Hated United in the 90s. Was a real fan, before the money. But test him with this... If he can appreciate the gift by it's title, he may be genuine after all, for of course not too long ago, Citeh were in League One, and needed a play-off final winner from Paul Dickov to get promoted.

Paul Dickov (actual size)

Chelsea:

On a similar note, Chelsea were founded in 2003, and have fought adversity to claim three league titles and numerous other trinkets. The greatest thing since sliced bread. Speaking of which, you can produce your own slice of bread which is about as effective as another waste of money with a Chelsea badge on it. (Hello Fernando)

The menu at the Chelsea VIP restaurant

Arsenal:

In October 2011, NC reader John Sills wrote an article for El Triumvirate about the conundrum of Theo Walcott, but surely even John can now realise that Walcott is in fact an author in a footballer's body, and his book should prove it. Kean of the Rovers stuff.

Theo and the corner flag

Manchester United:

If I say that this item is a Champions League Lanyard Ticket Holder, and also that it is currently reduced by 15%, that just about brings it under budget. Perfect for those Thursday nights in front of the telly.

Coming soon, Europa League version

Anyway, I'd hope you've done all your Christmas shopping already, but if these recommendations come in handy, feel free to share the reactions on the comments below...

Lunatic or legend? Cult heroes

Super Mario. Italian. Hero complex. Comedy hat. Is that where the similarity ends? To Inter fans, he was the archetypal cult hero - goalscorer, prodigy, absent-minded, enigma. He was filmed on Italian TV wearing an AC Milan shirt, and seemed to make a career out of winding up his managers.

Mario models the latest MCFC headgear

At what point does he become more? His big money move to Manchester City in 2010 has seen him perhaps become a more prolific goalscorer, but he seems to becoming more famous for his other antics. The fireworks in the bathroom. Throwing darts at colleagues. Donating £1000 to a homeless man.

After his recent red card at Anfield, Roberto Mancini said that Mario maybe left out of future big games, but he stepped up to score the opener against Chelsea. Is the tide turning? Or is Balotelli just building up to the next big boo-boo?

Other players throughout the game have trod that fine line, and can fall either side. Even in just England - Gascoigne, Best, Cantona. Capable of the stupid and the sublime.

 Gascoigne - ultimate English cult hero

The game wouldn't be the front page, mass entertainment spectacle is it without these, and a world where Michael Owen, Alan Shearer and a pre-Walkers Gary Lineker were the extroverts would be a strange place indeed.

Hopefully the non-harmful antics of Balotelli, the Twitterings of Frimpong, the cars (if not the personality) of Diouf will carry on entertaining. And if not, you can always rely on Eboue dressed in a tiger suit.

The endangered Eboue, last seen in Turkey

Everyone's favourite second team...

The inspiration for this blog came during the build up to a recent Champions League game, when drinking with the visiting team's fans, my mate was asked "which other English teams do you like?", a question which raised more questions than answers...

Football is often associated with tribal behaviour, a complete bias and perhaps the playground style taunts of my team is better than yours.

But speak to most people and they'll have a team whose results they look for next in the papers, or even the ground they'll pop along to on international weekends (a habit adopted by Non League Day with great success). Walk around a UEFA game and you'll see half-and-half scarves, look back in time and you'll see the bobble hats that are half Liverpool, half Celtic etc.

Jamal couldn't quite make his mind up

But what constitutes a second team? We all have different reasons. For the fans who grew up in the suburbs but supported the nearest big team, it may be the local lower division side. For the budding players, perhaps the team they once had a trial with... But what about the awkward problem when first love and second team collide?

Cup draws are a fraught time for these people, when the possibility crops up, of Barnet playing Arsenal, or West Ham v Southend? Does the heart rule the head?

This man has about eight 'second' teams

In the countries with more obvious duopolies (Scotland, Spain etc), it is actually pretty much accepted to support one of the big two clubs as well as another club. This weekend's El Clasico will test many things in Spain, not least virtually splitting most of the country into two.

A wonderful example of the two clubs coming together is in the video below, where fans of Scottish team Stranraer have adopted FC Twente on a massive basis, and a huge sharing between the fans of the two clubs. Whether the clubs themselves come together is a different matter, and would certainly be lucrative for Stranraer, but it's a great start.

Does anyone know the Potters Bar score?

Planning the summer BBQs - the Euro 2012 draw

Well, after all the pseudo-Eurovision spectacle, parade of legends and a swooping tour of the most photogenic parts of the host cities involved, the draw was made for the group stages of Euro 2012, and with it, the occupants of 16 nations (and millions of neutrals) made their plans for the summer.

The obligatory Group of Death emerged, and thankfully only three quarters of the tiresome Group of Debt were drawn together. The hosts had slightly more generous draws, meanwhile England's draw was about as reasonable as could be hoped.

The Ukrainian Fuzz may well be scared of a repeat of Charleroi 2000, but the UK constabularies will be even more nervous - up and down the land, men will be planning (with military precision) pub schedules and barbecues, and working out the time different between London and Kiev...

If you've got a set of keys on you, stick 'em in your hand and make 'em count!

On Monday 11th June 2012 at 5pm, expect similar photos as seen during recent World Cups, as England play France - roads almost empty, desks unattended. In Olympic year, with the mad panic ahead, and the official guidelines for people to work from home and to drink from home, will another half day hurt?

Tesco value or Aldi son?

The flip side to this of course is that June effectively sees three extra St Patricks' Days to contend with, as Ireland also qualified into a difficult group of Spain, Italy and Croatia. March 17th is usually allowed without much grief as it's once a year - but will the plastic Paddys of the land let more summery conditions go without a good booze up? I suggest not. Good time to invest in Guinness novelty hats.

But what about the rest of the draw? Group A actually looks quite competitive, while Group B looks pure awesome. Imagine 2016, when an extra eight teams join the party, so much that almost half of Europe's teams will be joining in, no doubt to the detriment of the overall competition. Part of the theory that this is a superior competition to the World Cup is the lack of any perceived 'filler'.

You've been tangoed

What also came with the draw was the unveiling of the match ball - a previous blog covers balls - which Adidas hope will be bulging the net of school playgrounds soon. But will the 2016 version be big enough to contain all the participants?

The managerial merry-go-round

This week saw the first manager sacking in the Premier League, with Steve Bruce leaving Sunderland, for once being shown the door rather than walking himself. Of course late November is slow by usual standards, but what isn't surprising is the names being bandied around as his potential replacement.

Every vacancy that seems to occur these days has it's usual suspects, almost like the ambulance chasers that call themselves no-win no-fee solicitors. Martin O'Neill. Mark Hughes. Steve McLaren's name has been mentioned. But why the reluctance to recruit someone else? Someone who doesn't have an infamous agent, or perhaps a more media-savvy profile.

The louder you scream, the faster the ride

Like signing players, the tempting offer is to recruit from abroad, established players with a track record and perhaps a degree of sparkle. But managers are different - why are they moving in the first place? Supposed rising stars like Andre Villas Boas are bought for millions of pounds, and with things as they are, may well not be long before he's already overachieved.

Most top English vacancies seem to be met with links to Guus Hiddink, who while he did wonders with PSV Eindhoven, Holland and South Korea, seems more and more motivated by cash, and his last job with Turkey did little to light the touchpaper.

Shiny happy people

Herbert Chapman was just 29 when he started his managerial career (with Northampton), and turned out to be one of the great innovators of the game, with many ideas still in common use (white balls, floodlights, shirt numbers). Would he have got a chance in the game today? Even then, he was due to become a mining engineer before chance offered him the role.

Football has evolved enormously over the years, but in it's basic form, it could easily be described as two chess masters (the managers), manipulating 11 chess pieces across the board. Even the young up and coming masters need a break. Maybe Sunderland could make a master stroke and appoint a complete unknown who will give the fans and the club a decent shot, without needing to resort to countless Bosmans, ex-Man Utd players and cloggers.

Or they could just appoint Mark Hughes, and see Roque Santa Cruz instead.

The Rubbish Managers XI