The international language of football

The perils of recently returning to working office hours has made certain things difficult, such as getting a seat on the train or having BBQ food for lunch. It's made other parts of life easier, like spending time at home with the dog and being more likely to get to matches.

My free trial (the third such trial) of ESPN has recently ended, and the evil overlords of Sky insist on cancelling the channel by telephone. So I have to wait twenty minutes to be connected, listening to muzak, while being assured my call is important. But what I didn't expect was to spend longer talking to the Sky agent, not being persuaded to keep paying £10 a month for the channel, but talking about the perils of modern football and why Rangers were hung out to dry by the powers that be.

Not the Brazilian fan the TV cameras hoped for

I've no huge liking of Scottish football, my north of the border team is Stranraer (currently bottom of the second division, they were promoted out of the third division to accommodate Rangers). But to be kept talking to a man I'd never met is a feat in itself, and the reason was football. If he'd asked about the state of the economy, X-Factor or the weather, he'd have been met with short shrift. But after confirming that it wasn't costing me money, I happily rattled on for half an hour until realising my dinner was slowly cremating.

No matter where you go in the world, and I've been all over the place, you can always talk football. In America the talk was of the image of the MLS in England (improving). In Finland the questions were about whether Liverpool will ever return to their best (no). In Canada they assume you know David Beckham because you have a London accent.

 

A flaming @*?!

Footballers play all over the globe without bothering to learn the lingo. Carlos Tevez barely speaks any English despite being here since 2006. Perhaps the reason so few English players go abroad is partly down to language.

In this festive season of parties and forced joy, the men can be left alone knowing that eventually the talk will be of whatever game is on the telly. I'll be meeting the husband of my wife's friend on Sunday, and I know he's a Spurs fan. Both teams are in action this weekend so results are crucial, but I can always make sure I ask him the time at 6.55, 7.55, 8.55, safe in the knowledge he'll repeat the score of the recent North London derby.

Sorry, did you say it was five to?

Next time you go travelling, leave the phrasebook behind. Don't worry about the culture. Just remember the name of that country's most famous footballer and you'll be fine.

Just don't follow the more retro customs of spitting (Holland 1990), head-butting (France 2006) or taking a free-kick you're supposed to defend (Zaire 1974)...

Boooooooo! The football fan's dissent

After another Sunday of football, a Super Sunday if you believe Sky, those who make a living and a hobby of being on Twitter talk about issues off the pitch rather than what happened (or not) on the pitch. Arsenal visited Stoke City, and the usual pre-match debated raged about the clash of styles, and remembering some of the battles of recent seasons.

The most infamous was in 2010 where Ryan Shawcross broke the leg of Aaron Ramsey in a brutal challenge, and many of the other matches between the two clubs have seen several questionable fouls. Ramsey eventually returned to the first team, and every match between the two clubs sees the predictable booing by the Stoke fans, directed at Ramsey. Now without showing the photo of the incident, it's fairly safe to say that Ramsey could never be accused of making a meal of the injury, and it could be argued that he hasn't quite reached the same levels since.

 Finally, the caveman is captured on film

Similarly, Sunday's match between the two sides has ended up in the same fashion. Ramsey came on as a second half substitute, while the Stoke fans have reverted to type.

But it's part of a more recently talked about subject, that of the conduct of fans on the terraces. Would Tony Pulis not prefer his team's fans to cheer for his team, to encourage, rather than focus their attention against a player whose career almost ended because of a challenge from his captain? He may well not be that sort of player, but it's becoming an annual tradition.

Another fan habit in the firing line is booing your own team. Of course it's not a new thing, but the Twitterati and bloggers generally disagree with the well-worn concept of 'you pay your money, you can do what you want'. But as above, would it not be more productive to support the team through bad spells? There are plenty of ways to vent anger, be it not buying club merchandise or protests outside the ground. Or wearing Kean Out earrings like a previous blog...

Blackburn fans weren't happy with Venky's

But there are other reasons to boo - the former player returning is a favourite, as it the star player of an opponent, or it may even be an attempt to placate someone (Springfield residents saying Booo-urns to Monty Burns). But be careful, you may end up booing your future darling...

Chelsea fans try to seduce Fernando Torres

PS This blog wasn't intended as a huge dig at Stoke... Maybe I should have concentrated on the blog rather than digging at someone else?

The best goalkeeper shirts of all time

Back in June, our friends at The Football Shirt Collective posted my list of five of the worst goalkeeper shirts ever, and it ended up showcasing a 1990s revival of horror. Well it would only be fair to show my five favourites, and a little blurb to accompany... As usual, I welcome suggestions below the line!

Arsenal 1989

First photo courtesy of Peter Rapley

The template in Adidas's UK heyday in the late 1980s, this shirt was simple and classic, green with white stripes and collar. Recently recreated in 2009 for Liverpool and Real Madrid, but this was the classic. As John Lukic shows, there was a strange discrepancy where the Adidas logo and club badge were at different angles. I owned a replica in 1989, and since then have never known why! Would welcome an answer...

Italy 1982/2012

 Zoff in 1982                                         Buffon in 2012

The oldest and newest shirts on the list, these interpretation on the same designs score well. Simples design, well contrasting colours, and the 1982 vintage will be memorable for Dino Zoff lifting the World Cup. Recreated for the summer's European Championships, and almost with a similar outcome. Fortunately for some, Sports Direct are selling the 2012 version for a knockdown price as they seem to think it's a training top!

England 1986

 Being beaten by the Hand Of Cheating Bastard in Mexico

Another silver and blue effort, another World Cup. Unfortunately this one was immortalised for the wrong reasons, as England's record cap holder was beaten by a handball and then one of the greatest goals ever in 1986. The shirt was simple, but another example of a different replica, as Umbro went through a phase of using a different logo for goalkeeper shirts, with a No.1 next to the logo. Strange. But nice use of padding on the shoulders, clearly inspired by Dynasty.

Man City 2009

 Shirt comes complete with "Done By Pirlo Panenka" label

Props to Umbro here - the brand were re-inventing themselves with the Tailored By range, simple designs and going back to classics. Here we have Manchester City's effort, sported by Shay Given and Joe Hart. Green with white trim, top marks. Just a shame about the sponsor, but that is a moan for another day...

Real Madrid 2010

 Real were trying to become more popular in Liverpool

A slightly strange choice, the thought of goalkeepers in red is still something of a novelty. In 2010, Real Madrid used red for their second choice keeper shirt, yet it must have been popular, as the following season saw almost exactly the same kit become the away colours for the outfield kit. Looking like mid 80s Liverpool is one thing, but the sense of entitlement remains.

The Good (Football) Pub Guide

Much has been made, especially by this site, about the superstitions and rituals around going to football matches. Lucky pants, getting certain trains, buying the same sweets before each game. But for the more grown up amongst us (I don't think too many young ragamuffins are logging on to read this), it's all about the pub.

Much like the episode of Men Behaving Badly where Gary and Tony had to review various hostelries before plumping for the renovated version of their favourite anyway, the football pub is like a cathedral, where football fans go to drink with other football fans, to chat about the game as they see it over a pint of watered-down gnat's piss in a plastic glass.

The pioneers of the Good Pub Guide

There are several key categories you need to consider when choosing the pub, some of which we shall review below. I shamelessly admit to using the pub I normally drink in before games as a template, and it may be some sort of omerta to mention some parts of the pre-match ritual, it's all about being objective. I also appreciate that I'm using Saturday at 3pm as the standard kick-off, which doesn't happen all that often.

Selection of drinks

Most football fans are pretty gullible. There, I've said it. We'll drink what's on offer, usually because it's the only thing there. That's why the bars inside grounds make a killing, because they sign exclusive contracts with suppliers, to sell only one beer (usually Carlsberg). However, most self-respecting people would rather set fire to themselves than drink that swill, so that could be the deciding reason they drink elsewhere. Forgetting that licensing rules almost always stipulate supplying your beer in a plastic glass, what else is there? You can still get your beer in glass bottles, and it's safe to say more people get bottled than glassed. Is the beer watered-down? Do you get to choose between the lagers of the globe, or merely Fosters and a questionable wife-beating alternative? Some pubs will score highly on this round by virtue of selling perhaps an exotic Spanish lager on draft, served by dusty lovelies who may or may not be relatives of the owner. But it's more than that…

 They have a wide selection

Entertainment

Once you've had your fry-up in the local greasy spoon, you need a cold pint of something to wash it down with. You arrive early, the pub doors are open, and Soccer AM or Sky Sports News is on the big screen. Sorted. But then… The novelty band who were funny a few years ago take to the stage, clouds of dry ice rise, and the braying morons who still buy their CDs and follow them on Twitter scream with delirium. The TV goes off. The songs begin about the former left back who uses Nokia phones, and singing about having a can of Red Stripe for me breakfast. Big minus points. The pub has invested in big screens, why not use them? In the days of smartphones, people want information, and the stream of numbers at the bottom of Soccer Saturday will keep them there, and keep them spending. Don't get delusions of grandeur. Don't rest on your laurels. Keep Pointless for the weekday evenings at home, stick it on 405 with the sound up.

 The bar is in 3D!

Clientele

Are you fluent in Finnish? Do you wear strange hats, fake replica shirts and tight jeans? Then you may fit in with the day tripper, the ones who spend hundreds in the club shop, then jinx your team by unveiling their new away shirt with 'Champions' on the back, while your team are top on goal difference and in bad form. They take photographs of the photographs on the wall. They play Europop on the jukebox. They'll strike up a conversation with your mate about how much they too love Dortmund, and you'll be stuck with them for the rest of the day. You need to just ignore it, and try and fight your way past them to get to the bar while they order a pina colada with a slim panatella. Put yourself in their odd shoes. If your team gets drawn away in Europe to a Nordic team, you'll be the ones at the bar in clothing that isn't suitable for the weather, moaning about spending £9 on a half pint of the local ale. They're the fans your club wants. You need to accept them, or find a new pub.

 Not normally included, these women

Toilets

Not many blokes worry about the facilities in the toilet. If there's a hole in the floor, it'll do. It's a bonus to not have to aim around the rapscallions snorting Columbia's finest off the cisterns. You know you're somewhere posh if the swamp has an attendant (don't do a Cheryl Cole and hit them, it's bad for your career, honest), screaming "no spray, no lay" while aiming half a can of Lynx Africa at the back of your head. The sophisticated venue will have the commentary of the lunchtime kick-off piped into the gents, allowing you to take your time and actually wash your hands. The average venue will have a towel in a puddle on the floor, assorted grafitti on the walls relating to previous visiting clubs, and a young child holding dearly onto their dad's hands, wondering if this really is the glamour end of the game. You're not in Kansas now Toto.

 Stare silently ahead

Charitable donations

Once you're in the football pub, you're part of a captive audience. You've suffered a 45 minute wait at the bar, sweating like Gary Glitter in PC World with the lack of air conditioning, and you are surely next in line for that stool when the pregnant woman moves… So in comes the slightly simple looking chap holding the replica trophy of a competition you've never won, offering photographs with it in return for a donation to a charity you've never heard of. Funny how that bloke always has a new Rolex and new shoes… There is also the tin-rattler, collecting for "the children, won't somebody please think of the children". Never mind that the ID around her neck refers to the local video library, she is clearly keen to save many lives, while fleecing the merry men of the local boozer. When challenged about her quest, she'll run off at pace that would impress Usain Bolt, or just pat you on the head and give you a sticker. Either way, you need to tolerate being a sucker to keep drinking in your boozer of choice.

 Save the clock tower!

So there you go. You're armed with the main categories you'll need to consider before you choose your pub for the new football season. Just remember - there's always somewhere better. You just haven't the bottle to find it. Yet...

Traditional curtain raiser... Community shield classics

Cliche alert! It's that time of year again. A week before the English top flight starts again, we remember the successes of last season. This year's Community Shield (or Charity Shield if you're that way inclined) features a slight change, being hosted at Villa Park due to the Olympic football tournament. The large shield trophy tends to count for little in the honours lists, unless the 2001 Liverpool side are involved...

The clash between the Champions and the FA Cup winners will features Manchester City and Chelsea, and although it is essentially a friendly, both teams will want to win. Chelsea have had a poor pre-season, despite the many millions spent on improving their midfield, while City have yet to spend big and have largely the same squad that so dramatically won them the title.

2011 winners Manchester United

For this post, I've listed three of the more memorable Charity Shield clashes, which is getting harder with some rather insipid showings in recent years. There isn't much by way of science or reason for the selection, so forgive any glaring omissions, any suggestions below the line are welcomed!

1974 - Liverpool v Leeds United

Famous for two reasons. One immortalised in book and cinema, and one for a hilarious display of machismo. The match was the first of the reign of Brian Clough, starting his 44 days in charge of the club. After a well publicised rivalry with Leeds while managing Derby, Clough took over after Don Revie's departure to manage England. Fact mixed with fiction as a result of The Damned United, by David Peace. It's safe to say that Clough's reign was short, and this match did little to help Clough try to turn the Champions into a free-flowing side.

The second reason was for a coming together between Kevin Keegan and Billy Bremner, which was building over a series of fouls throughout the match. Bremner was the chief terrier in the Leeds midfield, while Keegan was the talisman of an ever-improving cup winners Liverpool. The fight was as famous for the pair departing the pitch as the blows themselves, both players removing their shirts in protest, seemingly trying to out-posture the other. Keegan was banned for three games, Bremner eight, and both fined £500.

The result itself is almost forgotten, an early Phil Boersma goal cancelled out in the second half by Trevor Cherry, and Liverpool winning the resulting penalty shootout 6-5.

 Dirty Leeds captain on the receiving end for a change

1992 - Leeds United v Liverpool

A rematch from 18 years previously, and again it featured Leeds as champions and Liverpool as cup winners. This time however, the result was memorable for the football as opposed to the management or scuffles. The Premier League was about to bring a new era in football, and little did Liverpool fans realise that their dominance of the domestic game was dwindling hugely.

A hat-trick by Eric Cantona effectively won the game for Leeds, against a makeshift Liverpool defence including such legends as Nick Tanner, Mike Marsh and David Burrows. Cantona was on the move to Manchester United soon after, and won plenty of trophies after that. Even an own goal by Gordon Strachan couldn't change the scoreline, which ended 4-3 to Leeds.

A crowd of just 61,291 witnessed the game, which perhaps was indicative of the apathy for the tie, while there hasn't been anywhere close to seven goals in a match since.

Leeds deployed the jumping over shot technique

1998 - Arsenal v Manchester United

Arsenal came into this game as double winners, with the rule that they play the league runners-up in that case. It also happened to be their first outright victory since 1953, and looked like the balance of power was beginning to shift. United had been the dominant team since the Premier League began, but Arsene Wenger's team blew them away in 1998, and the blend of experience and youth looked invincible (it would take six years for that feat to be achieved).

Another sideshow was the return to England of David Beckham, in his first large match since his sending-off in the World Cup in France. The Arsenal fans were duly welcoming, a sign of what was to come over the next few months, as remembered here.

The game itself ended 3-0 to the Gunners, goals from Overmars, Wreh and Anelka. The teams were difficult to separate over the coming season, memorable for Man United winning the treble, but the margins were fine as they only won the league by one point (ahead of Arsenal), knocked Arsenal out of the FA Cup semi-final in an extra-time replay (THAT goal by Giggs), and won the Champions League in injury time.

Beckham was glad for the support of the Arsenal fans

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

Blood is thicker than water, and in these current climes, it's still thicker than an isotonic re-hydration drink. With that in mind, Chelsea seem to have shown some good sense in recruiting Thorgan Hazard to join his brother Eden. They join a long line of brothers to grace the top division of English football (assuming they play together that is, there is already talk of Hazard junior being loaned away).

Some of the other sets of brothers have been famous throughout the history of English football, and here we'll look at three sets, who played together at some point in their careers. Admittedly some did better than others, but it could well lead nicely into a piece about fathers and sons as well... There is a common club amongst the three, but don't hold that against me.

The Nevilles

The Oasis tribute act lacked the ability to write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...

The spawn of the infamous Neville Neville, Gary and Phil were products of the Manchester United youth teams of the 1990s, and seemed to be on a personal quest to rack up medals and enemies in equal measure. Right-back Gary made 400 appearances for United over nearly twenty years, as well as 85 caps for England. Phil was perhaps unfortunate to be seen as more of a utility player, but still made over 250 appearances, before being sold to Everton.

Gary seemed to inspire nothing but hate, especially amongst Liverpool fans. His frequent celebrations in front of them caused no end of issues, even resulting in an FA charge in 2006. Phil pissed off an entire country at Euro 2000, after his foul gave away a penalty against Romania, which led to England being eliminated in the group stage.

Gary has gone on to be a pundit for Sky and England coach, while Phil continues to play for Everton. And the fans continue to sing about "The Neville Family"...

The Charltons

Their Mum said "If you can't play together..."

Another pair of England internationals, Jack and Bobby were huge figures in the game throughout the 1950s, 60s and early 70s. World Cup winners both, and playing for rival clubs (Jack spent his entire playing career with Leeds, Bobby mostly at Manchester United).

Bobby was perhaps the more famous as a player, by virtue of being England's all time leading scorer, as well as winning three league titles and a European Cup. It's safe to say that Jack's managerial career was certainly of a higher profile, with his famous run as Ireland coach, taking them to two World Cups.

Definitely not as controversial as the Nevilles, but one feels like you can't take a piss in Old Trafford without bumping into Bobby hanging around, and no doubt Jack keeping the bar dry of Guinness.

The Wallaces

Hummel kits, a proper throwback

In October 1988, the Wallace brothers Rod, Danny and Ray all lined up for Southampton, becoming the first trio of brothers to line up for the same English professional team. The family connection didn't last too long however - Danny left within a year to join Manchester United, while Ray and Rod moved to Leeds in 1991.

Rod actually won the most medals, winning league titles with Leeds and Rangers. Danny's move to Manchester was bad timing, as the emergence of Ryan Giggs did for him, while Ray went to Birmingham and beyond. Danny was unfortunately diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, but managed to complete the London Marathon in 2006.

It's a feat unlikely to be seen for a long time...

Others worth a mention...

Denis and Leslie Compton
Brian and Mark Stein
Kolo and Yaya Toure
Fabio and Rafael (more Man United?)
Frank and Ronald de Boer
Ronald and Erwin Koeman

European qualifiers - a hidden treasure

This close season has been a different one for me than usual. A pretty good Euro 2012 ended on July 1st, and with the build up to the Olympics, football is for once quite low down the sporting agenda, below cricket, tennis, golf, and the fortnightly procession of cars driving around in a circle that is known as Formula One.

This summer, I started another blog/website www.escapetosuomi.com, aimed at more of a niche market, namely Finnish football. My vested interest in the subject was the subject of an old post referring to my Finnish wife and being subjected to a stream of Finnish media, culture and sport.

Luckily I was already aware that the Finnish domestic league was one that played throughout the summer, and I got into it just before the resumption of European competition. The Champions League final was on May 19th, and the first qualifying round for the 2012/13 edition begun on July 3rd, just forty-five days later.

Liverpool play TNS in 2005, weeks after being crowned Champions of Europe

Back in 2005, England got it's first taste of early-season European action after Liverpool were crowbarred into the tournament they had just won, as UEFA rules had not previously allowed the holders direct entry, and finishing fifth meant they'd have been destined for the UEFA Cup. On the 13th of July, Liverpool entertained Welsh side TNS at Anfield in what would normally have been a friendly. A necessary evil?

Most of the 'smaller' clubs in Europe see their sides' continental ambitions live or die in July and August, before the bigger clubs even dust themselves down to go to the Monte Carlo draw. As part of my new brief, I actually went to Wales to see the second leg of the first round tie between Llanelli and KuPS (Mrs N's hometown team), and to see it from a different perspective was refreshing.

Llanelli's Stebonheath Park under the lights

534 brave souls turned out in the pissing rain, including around fifty from Kuopio. The home club were fantastic, treating it almost as a cup final (hope that doesn't sound too patronising!), the general manager was in contact regarding press passes to the game, and even the local mayor turned up. The prize on offer was a two-legged tie to the fourth best team in Israel, as well as €100,000. Not far away, second division Cefn Druids made it through by virtue of finishing runners-up in the Welsh Cup.

There is even the occasional shock: In this week's second qualifying round for the Champions League, Dudelange of Luxembourg (ranked 317 in UEFA rankings) recorded only their fourth ever European aggregate victory against Red Bull Salzburg (ranked 69th). It's not just the British who like an underdog, Twitter exploded with glee at the result, although there is the element of anti-establishment involved, with the splendid Mirko Bolesan noting how amusing it is when sides who destroy their history fall on their face, in reference to the owners, who appear to have proved that they do not give you wings.

Dudelange players enjoy their moment in the sun

English clubs scoff, ignore and mock these early ties. For some clubs, these are the life blood. Even a run to the play-off round in the Champions League can result in over two million Euros prize money. They'll never play in a final, and are unlikely to play any games past Christmas, but it means far more than any pre-season friendly. To see the UEFA flag above the small terrace and the exotic visitors is enough. Plus it keeps us minority bloggers in business before the big boys come back to the playground...

(SHAMELESS PLUG) And if you do have any interest in Finnish (or other occasional Scandinavian and European) football, feel free to head to Escape To Suomi...

Pre-season friendlies

No sooner had the Juan Mata's fourth goal for Spain against Italy hit the net, and Iker Casillas lifted the trophy, were some of the bigger clubs in Europe already preparing for next season. Last season's stars return bloated from their jaunts, roasting in Magaluf and acting the prat in Hollywood.

It's a time when the large visit the little, and the huge make voyages east and west. Pre-season friendlies seem to be less about blooding new stars and young players, and more about making a few extra quid in new markets.

Liverpool had to import fans from Malayia to fill the Kop

With the disparity in incomes between Premier League clubs and their lower division neighbours, some 'generous' big clubs often borrow facilities for reserve games, and boast of partnerships. The debt is often repaid by way of a glamorous July friendly, where the big club may unveil a new signing or two, and then chuck the kids on for the second half. A double figure victory later, and things return to normal for another year. Until the agreement falls through for various reasons, the friendly vanishes, and the smaller club loses a valuable cash cow, all so that the big team can play in Nigeria for a few notes.

The two handsome chaps in the background enjoy Barnet v Arsenal in 2008

The main reason for friendlies now is to earn big bucks and nothing else. Sell some shirts in Japan, boost the sponsorships with Koreans, try and win over a franchise in Texas. We see the footage on Sky Sports of thousands of young Asian youths fawning over Premier League players, wearing replica shirts. Clubs whoring themselves knowing they are due a new sponsor in a couple of seasons so they need to up the profile. Premier League clubs playing each other in Beijing, a slightly watered down version of the vulgar game 39 suggestion.

Tevez in front of a packed crowd

At the weekend, Manchester City lost 1-0 to Al Hilal of Saudi Arabia in a friendly played in Austria. Do the club even care that they lost? We'll see come May whether it was worth it.

Rangers feeling blue - Sunday League football at Ibrox?

They say Friday the 13th is unlucky for some. This month, on that date, the artist formerly known as Glasgow Rangers will find out at what level they will be playing their matches next season. It's safe to say that this is by far the highest profile case of club punishment ever seen in Britain. There have been relegations, points deductions and transfer embargoes, but a top-flight club potentially sentenced to non-league football is a very real spectre. Whether things will get that serious, it's huge.

Television companies will have to cope with at least one year without Old Firm derbies (in the league at least), another Scottish club finally get a crack at Champions League football (Motherwell), and Third Division players may get to play at Ibrox after all. It's all change in Scotland.

Club 12 open the season at home to Berwick

Their fellow Scottish Premier League clubs voted unanimously to expel Rangers from the division, and they now wait a vote of clubs in the Scottish Football League on Friday 13th July - the potential outcomes are likely to be either: Begin the new season in Division One, in place of either Dundee (runners-up last season), or Dunfermline (relegated from the SPL); go direct to Division Three, the bottom of the system (allowing other clubs to filter upwards); or not be allowed to enter the league at all, and be sentenced to limbo.

This site has never made pretentions of any serious journalism, and in Rangers' case I'd leave anything investigative to the peerless blog Rangers Tax Case, who has done more than most to expose the club and it's lies. I could add that it's pretty ironic that a club whose fans have such allegiance to the Queen, are willing to withold/swindle the Crown out of millions of pounds in tax...

Craig Whyte, wannabe Flock Of Seagulls frontman

There are several companies, big and small, that have suffered and been put out by the Rangers situation. Among them are Arsenal. Not directly perhaps, but as part of a century old partnership between the two clubs, Whyte sold sixteen shares in the London club, which had been held by Rangers since 1910 (Arsenal were going through financial difficulties at the time), then diverted the money away from Rangers. Arsenal fans have a right to be upset for more reason that one - the shares were sold the Alisher Usmanov fronted Red And White, while a close link between the clubs has been lost, possibly forever.

For all the flak thrown at fans of the Old Firm clubs, albeit a minority, it's hard to say that they deserve what has happened. Celtic went through huge financial difficulties in the late 80s/early 90s, and survived in their current form. The Rangers fans, who not that long ago were enjoying Champions League football, are now worried if they'll be playing league football at all.

These guys may get a game for new Rangers

Having been to Ibrox (albeit for a pre-season friendly in 1992 against Marseille), it was certainly a venue fit for the top flight. Ultimately, the club will bear the responsibility for the actions of those acting in it's name. That the purchase of the club could be leveraged against the future sales of tickets shows that the system is deeply flawed.

From Old Trafford to Stair Park, Rangers will be hoping in the back of their mind for any league football at all. They may not have many of their existing players left, but most importantly, the fans will remain.

The cult of David Beckham

Stuart Pearce appears to have put an end to David Beckham's Olympic dream. And by dream, I mean chance to hog the limelight and sell a few more bottles of perfume or pairs of pants. Pearce, for once, appears to have seen some sense and has named Micah Richards, Ryan Giggs and Craig Bellamy as the over-age players for the Great Britain football squad.

Needless to say, morons fans all over the world are up in arms. As Twitter wordsmith Jack Maca puts it "DAVID BECKHAM IS NOT IN THE SQUAD????? i hate stuart pearce! i hate the olympics and we should all boycott it ! #lovefordavid disgrace!" and "stuart pearce sucks donkey dick! worst decision in footballing history" It's fair to say Points of View will be getting a nasty letter.

But should we really be surprised? Beckham has spent the last five years in Los Angeles, playing celebrity friends with Tom Cruise, whilst occasionally kicking a pig's bladder at Landon Donovan for the Disney Hollywood Super Friends Galaxy. He has played in World Cups and European Championships, and generally brought the national team into the realms of Heat magazine. Shouldn't someone else have a go at big-boys football with Olympics?

Beckham had dreamed of meeting John Barrowman and his beard

Richards, Giggs and Bellamy aren't exactly short of baubles between them, and the Welsh pair were never likely to play in a major tournament, so why begrudge them at all?

The outrage on behalf of Beckham is hilarious, but sadly predictable. Does he really deserve a place in the squad purely because he went on a jolly to Singapore to schmooze with some IOC cronies in 2005? Or because there are still hundreds of thousands of unsold tickets for the football, although the fact that one such match includes Senegal vs the UAE in Coventry pretty much explains that fact.

Beckham was once a decent footballer, making a career out of doing some things very well, and having nice hair. He won pretty much everything that could be won with clubs, and made a couple of quid as well. Does he need a legacy to include an Olympic medal?

Beckham models the Team GB away kit

In much the same way that 'Arry Redknapp was overlooked for the England job, some (admittedly not all) of the tabloid press are saying it's an outrage, that he deserves it for all he's done for the game. But then he's also got to take responsibility for the popularity of the Hoxton Fin haircut, children named after where they were conceived (has there been a child named KFC yet?) and men wearing sarongs.

But then he did kick Diego Simeone, so on second thoughts...

Becks just hanging around East London

Men behaving badly - football on pub TV

And lo, he said, taking his seat in the Watford branch of Walkabout, thou shalt spill his pint on the Private Pyle lookalike over the table when cheering a Wayne Rooney goal against Ukraine...

During an international tournament, it requires almost as much planning to support your team at home as it does abroad. Sure, you don't need to learn the Cyrillic alphabet or get injections, but you still need to ensure you have the best seat-to-bar spot, a night bus to get home, and enough mastery of 1980s terrace hits to bluff your way through the game.

Ensure you don't invite these herberts to your BBQ

The best and worst parts of the tournaments are the timing - summer. A few weeks after the end of a tiring season, when wives and girlfriends want to go away, and you may fancy a few days of cricket, tennis, or whatever floats your summer alcohol consumption boat. But there is the temptation for the barbecue. The sweet sense of burnt and ill cooked food, and praying for good weather.

The fixtures for Euro 2012 became apparent in December, and thus eager BBQ planning formed. The Sweden game was a Friday, so ideal. Would England progress? Would the quarter final be Saturday or Sunday? Will it ever stop pissing it down? Should one buy a gazebo while at Costco?

CarryAround - essential when it's your round

There's a lot to be said for going to the pub. The atmosphere is (usually) electric, there's the collective singing of the national anthem, and the hilarity of people who know little/nothing about football trying to blag it.

But then there's the dark side. The 2006 World Cup saw the great unwashed donning Sun-emblazoned Tommy helmets. The recent Ukraine game heard cries of 'no surrender to the IRA' and 'ten German bombers'. Someone must have lost their chip shop. It's highly unlikely that these people listened intently in history class.

Building Anglo-German relations...

Myself and regular collaborator GoW normally split the games. This year was pub, BBQ, pub, takeaway, and it worked nicely. Did we fancy going to the pub for an England v Germany semi-final? Er... Go on then.

No jacket required - a footballer's attire

There is a tale that moves around Arsenal fans. It may well be an urban myth. The story is that Chris Kiwomya, one of the last signings of the George Graham era, was not selected to play in the first match for which he was eligible, purely for the reason that he had not yet been fitted for his club blazer, and thus shouldn't represent the club.

Whether or not this is true, it says a lot about the expectations of Arsenal (and probably other) fans, that they allow themselves to think that it's true. It's like the entrance to Hogwarts, you've got to believe that it's there...

His blazer was made by Nike

These days, football is a much tighter sport, with the tiniest of percentages making the biggest difference. Bootmakers do their best to save a gram or two. Thousands of pounds are spent on GPS trackers which process data that show a player's most effective position. The comfort of the players.

We see them alighting the bus before a game, decked out in polyester threads, carrying expensive washbags and wearing headphones so large that they would make a Shoreditch fuckpig blush. But is there any pride in the appearance? When even Royal Ascot and Wimbledon are having to clamp down on dress codes, there is little a chance a Premier League manager will do the same.

Must not get sent off, must not get sent off...

Would there be a serious loss of form if players were forced to wear suits with embroidered crests when travelling on club duty? Some clubs still do it, on occasion. Manchester United players occasionally turn up in their posh threads, although it's safe to say that once Ferguson leaves, Rooney and co will be decked out in Primark's finest.

An example needs to be set. Roy Hodgson seems keen on returning to old school methods (his love for 40s throwback James Milner for example), while you can imagine David Moyes whipping his players in the nuts with a car antenna for the slightest indiscretion. If England were to win Euro 2012 having turned up the the final in Kiev wearing suits, it may be the secret answer after all!

The buttons weighed Vidic down so much, he was tired before the game

My favourite Euro 2012 lookalikes

Football lookalikes is usually a cheap filler, much like a Friends compilation episode or a post-1997 Oasis album. Fancied doing another bandwagon-jumping Euro 2012 post, so here are some cheap laughs for you all.

 Sloth (The Goonies)                       Wayne Rooney

Mario Gomez                                    George McFly

 Franck Ribery                             Blofeld (Bond villain)

Others deemed inappropriate due to 'bad taste' - Joleon Lescott and a Klingon; Petr Cech and Man-At-Arms from He-Man; Mezut Ozil and a zombie.