You're not singing (that song) any more

We all remember our first few matches. Whether it was in the 1950s or the 2000s, there are memories for us all. The rosettes and flat caps, or gurning behind the Sky correspondant doing a piece to camera. We may have been told to piss into the pockets of those in front, or spending hundreds in the club shop.

But the sounds of music have changed. Recent weeks have shown up chanting (and the noise of fans in general) in a negative light. Stoke fans booing Aaron Ramsey for having the nerve to break his leg. Chelsea fans booing Anton Ferdinand for telling on John Terry.

Remember when football fans were witty? They still are of course. Rangers fans singing "Rangers til I die" were met with Celtic replying "You're Rangers til July". Gold. Let's look at some chants that seem to have died out.

1. You're going home in a St John's Ambulance

A good example of efficiency in a chant - it can be used in two situations! Usually used to aim at opposition fans, as a pre-cursor to the Sergio Tacchini clad brawls afterwards. It shows an awareness of a noble organisation. Can also be used to mock the injured player, much nicer than "let him die"... Perhaps the new fan, the prawn sandwich brigade, may refer to it as a Sinjun's Ambulance, but fair play for joining in Tarquin.

The paramedics lined up in a 7-8-7-2 formation

2. Woooooooooooooooooooooah, you're shit aaaaaaaaaaaaah

Lined up in the cheap seats behind the goals, trying to peer over the large man in front. You're at home to the league leaders, and you're behind the opposition goal and have seen little action other than a wayward short from your budget Slovakian forward. You haven't got much hope to hold on to, but the goalkeeper is lining up a goal kick... As one, the crowd build to a crescendo of "wooooooooooooooooooooah" with awesome timing as he strikes the ball shouting "you're shit aaaaaaah", with the ahhhhh trying to last as long as possible.

I miss the days of outfielders taking goal kicks

3. My old man...

Definitely one for the past. Not becoming of the opera-style attendances of today. Maybe these days it's becoming more likely that the yoof don't even know their fathers, thus denying them passing down such comments. I suppose people could go on Jeremy Kyle to get paternity tests in order to find out which football club their biological father recommended. Either way, it's rude - do you expect Club Wembley to suddenly utter "fuck off bollocks, you're a cunt?".

Your old man, who is contestant number four, said be a...

4. Robson, Robson man of the match

Back in the 1980s, we'd probably get ten live club matches a year on telly. The FA Cup final, the European Cup final, and assorted other top games. There was an urban myth doing the rounds that if Manchester United were playing, the man of the match award would be automatically assigned to England captain Bryan Robson. Perhaps it was due to his drinking prowess, or just that he was the captain... But it was picked up by crowds, and sung repeatedly when he came to town. Of course it's hard these days to repeat it, but it's easily amended... Messi, Messi man of the match.

Robson was honoured to receive his award for best ploughing-of-Sky-Sports-presenter

To be honest, we've all been to games where our old favourites have died out. These are just four out of a thousand. A quick Google will reveal some classics about individuals, such as "there's only two Andy Gorams".

This ain't Google. And I still hear "you're shit ahhh" in my head at goal kicks...

Schadenfreude in Munchen perchance?

If You Were Gay. The Internet Is For Porn. Schadenfreude. All songs from Broadway musical Avenue Q, and one of these may be on the menu come Saturday May the 19th. But this isn't a commentary of cosmopolitan Munich, more the state of things to come in England on that very day.

Living in southwest London, it's often a dangerous ground when it comes to football supporting. So many choices - Chelsea, Fulham, QPR, Manchester United... Only one of these are in the Champions League final, and it's a safe bet that fans of the other clubs will be mostly cheering for Bayern Munich.

Is it a sad state of affairs? Fortunately for English teams, there isn't really any difference to the UEFA co-efficient if Chelsea lose or not. The righteous journos on Twitter will be rising above it of course, but I think it's a safe bet that sales of Bayern shirts have risen since Tuesday, and Bratwurst and Becks will be in short supply.

John Terry suspended? Ha ha!

It's not just Chelsea though. In 2006, Barcelona shirts were the must have in Tottenham. Scotland is traditionally associated with supporting whoever plays England, no matter who.

One licensed venue that will be the physical embodiment will be, aptly, a German pub in London called the Fest. Home of schnitzels, steins and lederhosen-clad barmaids. But not just London. It is about five hundred yards from Stamford Bridge, and is the home of the UK branch of the Bayern Munchen supporters club. Tickets sure to be in short supply, I doubt my Groupon voucher will be accepted that night...

Hilarious to some, Samaritans for others

But... What if Chelsea win? The first London winners of the European Cup. Roman gets the Holy Grail. How would the rest of us deal with it?

Unlike those who wore Bayern shirts in 1999, the world is connected and online, and photos and tales will fly in seconds. At least the guys munching bratwurst downing German lager will have had some good. But don't wear the German outfits. Don't hire the oompah bands.

Just don't. Or we'll all be laughing at you. Unless you look like this...

 Sepp's plans for ladies football in Germany had a great effect

Olympic football - going for gold?

The draw has been made. The balls (eventually) came out, and the Team GB organisers could press on with shifting that last million or so tickets... But what does it all mean?

Olympic football has been going on for years, even before the World Cup. Most of the participants take it incredibly seriously. Brazil in particular are treating London 2012 as importantly as a World Cup, as the Olympic gold medal is the one tournament they have never one.

With the FA looking to maximise the opportunity of playing in a summer Olympics, with scant regard for the other home nations, will they be happy with the way things are going?

 Kanu was the designated over-50 player back in 1996

Football is huge business in most countries in the world, and England is perhaps the leader in marketing the domestic league. Kick-off times are changed to suit Asia, pre-season tours can pay for landmark signings and kit deals with American firms are as good as a trophy, on Merseyside at least.

There is saturation in the market already, previous blogs have looked at reviving the Carling Cup, while even European games struggle to attract fans when group placings have already been decided. Olympic football tickets were available at champagne prices before the wine list had even been collected. Will Glaswegians flock to a Thursday afternoon clash between Honduras and Morocco?

The advantage of Olympic scheduling is that you will usually get two games for your ticket, and even the above game will be preceded by Spain vs Japan. Not something you can do with domestic football, the segregation alone would cause the Police nightmares.

Daley prepares to take a throw in

It looks like the next four months will cause more aggravation than joy in British football. The Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish FAs are petrified of losing their independent status, perhaps with good reason judging by who run FIFA. The clubs will no doubt bitch and moan at potentially losing players during the vital pre-season. Despite Stuart Pearce stating he won't use those who play for England at Euro 2012, will Arsene Wenger keep quiet over potentially losing Wilshere or Oxlade-Chamberlain? Or Ferguson keep schtum over losing Smalling or Welbeck?

The odds are that for the smaller games, the powers that be will happily pluck local kids from their loitering and fill the grounds with them. Lots of noisy ragamuffins at the Ricoh arena can only be good for the future, especially if it's free. Coventry could do with all the support they get.

The publicity bandwagon will hit white hot if David Beckham is picked, and those who've booked holidays will be glad. Seb Coe can bleat about legacy all he wants. But can he sleep at night knowing that he is just a women's team photo call away from disgrace?

The Argentine Olympic team extend the olive branch to their Chinese hosts

Maybe we should be grateful Argentina didn't qualify. But the thought of the Gabon squad dressed as pearly kings quoting Michael Caine would be a sight to behold.

Fallen giants - the view from the Forest

In the second of my guest blog series, work colleague and part-time television star Tom Bolton has taken the baton, raised the bar, and done numerous other cliched things as well as blogging about what it's like supporting a team who were twice champions of Europe, and more recently gracing the third tier of English football. Read on...

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Well making my first football column since the Forest Forever fanzine disappeared, Thommy Cooper is back. Video killed the radio star & in my case the blog killed the fanzine... or did it (await link here for future blog from Nelson Columns no doubt). Thanks to NC I can again feel that my team haven't been forgotten and lost to the lower echelons of the football league and can bore you all with my view of what its like to support former European champions with their recent struggles. 

NC asked me a question that I often get from Arsenal or Chelsea fans, 'What is it like to have won the European Cup?' However the question never ends there, like a double barrelled last name it is quickly followed by 'and be where you are now?' Even now my only reply is that I am proud. Although it will never happen again I am proud of what my club achieved, to this date only another twenty clubs have reached these giddy heights and only eight teams have bettered us. When I was growing up everybody seemed to know Forest because of Brian Clough, nobody seemed to care about Europe or the early format of the Champions League, probably due to the ban and lack of English interest, the emphasis was on our two FA Cup victories, League title and proud history stemming from being one of the oldest clubs in the world.

Clough was later to perform a cameo in Glee

Forest boast a proud claim to 'firsts' the first team to use floodlights, the first team to have a referee use a whistle, the first & only English team to play an FA Cup semi outside of England, first team to wear shin guards (Leeds were a dirty team even before they existed), first team on a televised Sunday match, first team to have shirt sponsors displayed on TV, which reminds me even to this day my purchases are still affected by Forests shirt sponsors, my electronics are by Panasonic, I wear Wrangler jeans, my beers have usually incorporated Skol, Home Ales or Labatt’s. I'm still paying off my Capital One credit card and am relying on my Victor Chandler betting account to help me pay it, as for Pinnacle our best sponsors ever that’s a blog in it's self. We also had a part to play in the current existence of AC Milan & Arsenal - we are the reason they play in red. 

The next word I use is relieved. I’m relieved that Forest were fortunate enough to have had a manager that paired with the club. I always believe that a club and a manager are a finely matched pair like some sort of destiny where everybody excels it only seems to happen in the lower leagues now such as Sturrock with Plymouth (well his first spell anyway) Holloway with Blackpool (granted Blackpool were a huge club in the 50's but in the new era Holloway has pushed them beyond all expectations) and looking back to earlier days Revie at Leeds, Chapman at Arsenal, Shankly at Liverpool.

After starting in January 1975 Cloughie soon accumulated an impressive trophy haul; 

Football League champions - Division One 1978 

FA Charity Shield winners 1978

Football League Cup winners 1978

European Cup winners 1979 

Football League Cup winners 1979 

Football League Division One runners up 1979

European Cup winners 1980

European Super Cup winners 1980

Football League Cup runners up 1980 

Yet again, setting records and firsts along the way. Forty-two League games unbeaten, smashing the previous record, the first English team to win at the Bernabeu and at the Mestalla. I am just so relieved that we have achieved these honours, in some ways it doesn’t matter if we never do it again because we’ve had the fortune to have been there. 99% of clubs would surely swap with us.

Third word – Disappointment. As time goes on I watch the records disappear. Of course records are there to be broken but what gets me the most is that we are not there to defend them. In nearly fifty games we were not present to try and stop Arsenal smashing our unbeaten run. When we held the record for the largest away win in the Premiership (7-1 v Sheffield Wednesday), we gifted it on a plate to Manchester United and eleven minutes against super-sub Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (nearly as good a super-sub as Jason Lee – he’s got a pineapple on his head). 

 His other wig is a grapefruit

The other disappointing factor is that our achievements are often overlooked. My other East Midland supporting friends all say that the midlands teams are often overlooked and do not get the recognition of the London and big clubs and in some ways I agree. I often see commentators with their facts and figures when they completely miss out Forest.

Sadly Forest are now where they were at the turn of the last century, living an ineffective existence and struggling to pay the bills despite still pulling good crowds. A few years ago we dipped to an all-time low with two seasons in division three (League One if your younger than 25) getting knocked out of cups by Accrington ‘who are they’ Stanley and Woking. Being a Forest fan I can't forget the past, we have been lucky to have been spoilt. So I have to think sensibly, as a neutral. In the club's 150 year history was this a lucky fluke, a positive blip? Taking the Brian Clough era out of our history the norm seems to be mid-table mediocrity in the second tier along with the other Midlands clubs (yes that includes – Coventry, Lesta, The Sheep, Birmingham, West Brom and Wolves).

It doesn’t matter how bad we get or how much we flirt with life in the conference (A Sheep fan once gloated that FOREST stood for Fighting Off Relegation Every Sunday Teatime) we have done it, that trophy will always be in our cabinet and the history books will always display our achievements. In recent years with the growing focus on the Champions League that people seem to recognise our achievement and how good that team were. Whenever I go on holiday people have recognised the Forest logo all over the world. That is why more than any of the other feeling Pride is the one that I feel the most (however after a few beers and a defeat my answer might be somewhat different).

I can sit back and be proud that we have twice won the most sought after club trophy in the world.  John McGovern as a captain is up there with; Jose Maria Zarraga, Paulo Maldini, Miguel Munoz, Franco Baresi, Jose Aguas Armando Pichhi, Emlyn Hughes, and Clarence Seedorf (who was not captain of his teams). Only Beckanbauer and Carlos Puyol have bettered McGovern’s achievements of a European Cup winning captain. 

 Nottingham's other famous export

As I finish this blog I glance up to the Chelsea v Barcelona game, I think Forest would have had no problems against these Messi would have taken one sandwich from Burns & Lloyd, Drogba would have been no match for Viv Anderson and neither defence would have coped with Robertson. But we will have to make do with having embarrassed Keegan and Hamburg in 1980.

As I said it's just the not being there that hurts and those that forget what we achieved. Prior to Man U beating Bayern in 1999 we had won the cup twice more than United and Barcelona, now not a lot of clubs can say that.

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"...and the award goes to..." - Player of the year nominations

The nominations are in. The bets are in. The nation's sports press is lining up waiting to report the news… Footballers have made a strange decision! While this is nothing new (England captain parking in disabled bay, various haircuts, impregnating Katie Price), do we still subscribe to the notion that a footballer is the best judge of footballers?

We can't blame them completely, the voting system requires the votes submitted long before the business end of the season. This year's PFA Player of the Year awards have nominated three Manchester City players (David Silva, Sergio Aguero and Joe Hart), along with Robin van Persie, Wayne Rooney (pen) and Scott Parker. Bearing in mind that Silva was overplayed so much that he virtually vanished after Christmas, Aguero only scored his first goals outside London or Manchester last weekend, and Scott Parker isn't even Spurs best player, the system is clearly flawed.

Gareth wins best actor for his role in Dive of the Planet of the Apes

 
With several players on Twitter these days, perhaps there could be a simple vote on those, where the person with the most followers or RTs wins? There is the fear that it could turn into a popularity contest, but isn't that what it is anyway? Bring in Simon Cowell and turn it into a telephone vote system, where players can vote from their gold plated iPhones on the night and make it a genuine surprise.

Team of the year is also a bone of contention that even the exalted brains of the online community should struggle with - why is the team of the year in a rigid 4-4-2 system? Perhaps Michael Cox or Jonathan Wilson could be drafted in, and re-do the teams into perhaps more fluid 4-2-3-1 systems, or even go a little retro and introduce the W-M in an attempt to shoehorn every nominee. I'm sure the powers that be may wish to change the tactics to match the opponent (Spanish team of the year?)

Scotty's award was a happy meal toy

 
The original point still stands though - why is so much credit given to the opinions of footballers? Football fans and journalists are as schooled as they've ever been, and there's nothing to stop votes being cast based on toadying or cliches such as "he gives 110% every week". The usual debate kicked off shortly after, why wasn't X included, Y is rubbish, etc. It's widely argued that not enough credit is being given to defenders or goalkeepers (albeit Joe Hart is nominated this season). Should Kompany, Vorm or Krul be disappointed? Maybe.

Hey, there's always Young Player of the Year. What if Aguero wins the main award and not the younger player? A mockery?
 

Match of the Day pundits not welcome here

 
For what it's worth, I'll do my own team/player/miscellaneous of the year awards at the end of the season (controversially), in a gala ceremony to be hosted in an all you can eat barbecue restaurant. No players will be in attendance...

My favourite (insert country here) team

Back in December, I blogged about having a second team, focusing on the fans of big clubs who look for the results of a smaller, more local team. In a slight twist, I'm going to focus on those who have a favourite foreign team...

Back in the early 1990s, regular European football returned to British television with the re-admission of English clubs after Heysel. While the bigger games had been shown come the end of the season, it was a real geography lesson for a young football fan in the days before Championship Manager and the Internet. The first European game I remember watching was the European Cup final of 1991 between Red Star and Marseille, although it still had the English angle with fe-fe-fe-fe-fe-fe-Chris Waddle playing. (Scorchio)

I can imagine Glenn Hoddle saying NEED, NEED, NEED! (Thanks to Old School Panini)

Serie A was the big thing on Channel 4 with James Richardson and a flagrant attempt to mooch off Gazza's move to Lazio, with mainly clips of AC Jimbo sat in a deserted cafe flicking through the sports pages. We were introduced to exotic teams like Sampdoria, Fiorentina and Parma. Sunday afternoons no longer meant Antiques Roadshow or Songs of Praise, it was David Platt setting up Roberto Mancini for their Man City love-in. Up and down the country's playgrounds, teenagers without Sky resorted to picking a favourite team to follow. Did you go for the success of Milan? The grand old Juventus?

Woof

These days the choice is getting bigger. We have La Liga on Sky and the Bundesliga on ESPN. The Interweb allows us to watch most games, but is there a market for more? ESPN are showing the two domestic French cup finals. The inevitability of success leads to a Spanish choice between Real Madrid and Barcelona. The ever-shrinking world means more of us have a favourite team based on where our parents/wife/cleaners are from...

Kuopion Palloseura (KuPS) line up for the Patrick Swayze lookalike competition

KuPS are the local team of NC's wife, and I even have a mug from their official club shop in the office. I've played as them on Football Manager, winning the Finnish Cup. I've looked out for their results in the Europa League. I've even seen someone wearing their shirt at Arsenal. Will I ever see them on UK television? Probably not. It's more of a claim than most have on their 'foreign team'.

The same rule applies for foreign fans of English clubs, and some take it even more seriously. In 2009, a Kenyan Arsenal fan killed himself after the Champions League semi-final defeat to Manchester United. In 2007, a Liverpool fan in Lagos, Nigeria even killed an Arsenal fan after a 1-1 draw. We see full grounds in the far East for the pre-season tours (another blog topic to come in the summer), and the mention of foreign markets whenever TV deals are up for renewal.

Whether you love the kits, the players or just the name - there's a foreign club for us all out there. Feel free to share yours on the comments below or on the Facebook and Twitter pages!

Outfield players in goal - not as bad as you think

Like several topics I've blogged about, this one is fading away like a bad memory. We laughed (if it happened to the other team), we cried (if it happened to ours), and we looked on in bemusement (had probably never happened before). In the days of five, seven, twelve substitutes on the bench, it is a rare beast that we get an outfield player going in goal.

The issue raised it's head recently in the Championship, when West Ham travelled to Blackpool. Last year, football league clubs voted to reduce the number of subs down to five, fearing it was costing more money and stunting development. Of course this also reduced options, and Sam Allardyce, the great innovator, decided to jettison the reserve goalkeeper in favour of a fifth outfield option. The only problem with this is when the one goalkeeper gets injured/sent off/goes mental.

Robert Green was dismissed early in the second half. Big Sam used all his tactical nous and threw Arsenal loanee Henri Lansbury in goal. Luckily for him, Blackpool barely troubled him, and he got through the rest of the game with a clean sheet.

But put yourself in the mind of the opposition forwards. The big keeper has been keeping you at bay all day, and has to be withdrawn. The centre-back who has been kicking you all day dons the gloves and weirdly coloured jersey, and takes his place in between the sticks...

Kolo Toure needed the diet pills inserted by goalkeeper

This happened at Bramall Lane in 2006, where Phil Jagielka replaced Paddy Kenny in goal for Sheffield United against Arsenal. The fact that the Gunners started with Jeremie Aliadiere meant no goalkeeper was even needed, but it rubbed salt in the wound of the visitors that the Blades nicked a 1-0 win, with Jagielka making an excellent fingertip save from Robin van Persie late in the game.

The tables could have turned, if you could imagine a secret dimension where Arsene Wenger was a high risk strategist, and perhaps failed to name a reserve keeper. Most clubs have a player who occasionally trains as a keeper, and Arsenal's is van Persie. The Dutchman has finally exploded over the last eighteen months as the player everyone imagined without injury, but if they were chasing a game, and lost the number one and had used all three changes, would they dare put the captain in the nets?

The diving slightly to the left Dutchman

There are various other incidents throughout history, and it even happened the other way a couple of times - Les Sealey once came on for West Ham in midfield due to injury, wearing John Moncur's shirt, and the time Manchester City had David James and Nicky Weaver on the pitch in anticipation of penalties.

From the recent past, Uruguay tried to initiate 'rush goalie' at the 2010 World Cup against Ghana. Only they forgot to tell their opponents. Or the ref. Or FIFA...

Suarez could only be identified by his dental records

Maybe that could lead to a blog about playground football, and the inevitable Ron Manager quotes. Marvellous.

Blind faith or bigger picture? When to fire a manager...

It's not a good time to be writing a blog about effectively adding people onto the already swollen unemployment figures... Which links nicely with an article initially inspired by Liverpool. In 2010, when Rafa Benitez left Liverpool on a huge settlement, the club replaced him with Roy Hodgson, coach of Europa League finalists Fulham. Six months later, Roy was gone, replaced with the man that Liverpool fans called the Messiah.

After millions spent on mediocrity, and a reasonable start, their season looked like it was over in February when they won the Carling Cup, but one league win since January has stalled any chance of progress, and it looks like the Europa League place earned by their Wembley victory is the only improvement on last year. Is King Kenny's time up?

 Kenny indicates his position in the dole queue

Football history (which contrary to belief, started before 1992) shows several mistakes made by boards. Stick or twist? And if you do sack, do you replace with the right man? Here we look at three recent Premier League examples of sticking with the right man, sacking and replacing with the right man, and sacking and not improving.

Alex Ferguson

Work was soon to begin on making the nose purple

After leading Aberdeen to domestic and European glory, "Siralex" spent four years at Manchester United, not pulling up many trees. Legend has it, he was on the verge of being sacked before they won the FA Cup in 1990, leading to huge haul of trophies, and knocking Liverpool off their fucking perch (his words, not mine). Even after twenty-five years, United look like adding title number twenty. Are there many fans around who wish he had been sacked after all?

Chris Hughton/Alan Pardew

*insert rape comment here*

This blog has already covered the initial reign of Mike Ashley and the subsequent relegation. Chris Hughton led the team back up at the first hurdle, and their return looked bright. A poor run however led to his sacking, and David Brent wannabe Alan Pardew took the helm, to derision. As Sunday's win over Liverpool took the Magpies within five points of third-placed Arsenal, would anyone still rather Hughton remained in charge? Money in the bank, a well-revered scouting network and a snazzy new stadium name all point towards progress.

Mick McCarthy/Terry Connor

The role of James Bond's dad was a shoo-in for Mick

Wolves have been a recent shining example of a yo-yo club, yet after a longer spell in the top flight, Mick McCarthy was on a hiding to nothing. Being smashed at home by your nearest rivals, big signings not paying off, and the risk of losing millions was overbearing, and the board acted swiftly to get rid of Mick. But the failing? There was no-one lined up to replace him. Walter Smith wouldn't come out of retirement for a short-term deal, and in desperation, the board promoted the number two man (Terry Connor, seen above next to Mick). Sack Mick? Perhaps. But as Newcastle showed, there needs to be a plan, and Wolves look destined to relegation.

Would the Liverpool board dare sack Dalglish? Perhaps not. But in the last year, his defending of Luis Suarez, his poor signings and the results surely suggest otherwise. There will always be a place for Dalglish in Kop folklore. But perhaps it isn't as the manager who finished below Everton, Swansea, Norwich and Sunderland.