Behind the scenes - the best football jobs

Football used to be a game of eleven against eleven, in the park, jumpers for goalposts, marvelous. But it's more than that. You have a whole entourage, from the steward to the managing director. Matchday staffing at Wembley stadium averages around 5,000 and that's without the staff for clubs involved or the emergency services.

I threw the ideas open to Twitter, and got quite a few replies... Most young kids dream of growing up to be a professional footballer, and afterwards a coach or manager. But what about the other roles? Here we look at three positions that would appeal to the average blog user - with attention to detail, a close up view of the game we love, and a chance to abuse footballers/journalists/fans to their faces.

Scout

Carr had an eye for a bargain

Want to travel the world? Watch matches for free? Influence the spending of millions? Being a scout is for you! Of course that is the top end of the spectrum. The reality is standing in the pouring rain, at a provincial ground in the middle of nowhere, pretending to ignore the rantings of the bloke who once installed Didier Drogba's bathroom. If you're lucky, the player you've gone to see may play ok, but will he convince you to stay for the whole game? Just do what the 'experts' of Twitter do - stick the name through Youtube, see what his ratings are on Football Manager, and pray. You could get all the praise for a team doing well (see the praise for Newcastle's Graham Carr, dad of macho comedian Alan). But will you be signing the new Ali Dia?

Kit man

Sports Direct's Cardiff branch was well stocked

It's a kit nerd's dream. You get to dress your heroes. Lay out their ergonomically designed outfits, print them with numbers, and get first dibs on the sort of stuff that may one day turn up in a museum. Just look on eBay at the match issue kits and you can see how much people will pay for those threads. It's not glamorous - you'll have to sort out sweaty jockstraps, provide spare socks and make sure that boots aren't half a size too large. Is the temptation to cut the crotch out of that arrogant winger's shorts too much? Just enjoy wearing a tracksuit to work, you'll be the only employed shell suit wearer in Liverpool.

Mascot

Bungle regretted asking to play with Geoffrey's balls

It takes a special kind of person to want to dress up in a weird costume and prance around for the benefit of children. A hot day in August, the fans arriving for your first game of the season dressed in shorts and flip-flops, craving an ice cream, and you're sweating like Ched Evans in a rubber suit while dressed up as a hammer. Of course you're an attention seeker. Look at the man who dresses up as a dinosaur at the Emirates Stadium... Gunnersaurus is his name. A minute's silence in memory of ninety-six football fans who died. The players bow heads in the centre circle. The dinosaur, complete with baseball cap, stands arm-in-arm. Do you want to be that man?

Tannoy announcer

The louder you scream, the faster the ride

From the monotonous drone at Anfield to the fella at Wembley who desperately ploughs on geeing up the crowd despite a tedious 0-0 at home to San Marino, these people have a chance to influence thousands. Admittedly it is a step up from hospital radio, and an excuse to show off a wacky sense of humour in some cases. A dream job for some I guarantee. You get to watch the games, interview the players and have some good access to behind the scenes gossip. You'll always be at the mercy of the suits though, one ill-advised comment could equal a P45. Hopefully the odious prick at Stamford Bridge will get his come-uppance, such as when QPR fans chanted "who are you?" to which he replied "you'll see". We're still waiting to find out.

So there you go. You don't have to be a tea lady, anonymous admin goon or chairman. But some people may want to... What job would you like to do?

Roman Abramovich and the Last Crusade

Pursued by the evil Germans, his band of merry men went into hostile territory in pursuit of the ultimate prize, surviving a leap of faith and all this despite the best efforts of the person charged with leading his team. Roman has got what he came for, but will he be rescuing his fedora in time to escape back to Moscow with his grail?

 The trophy was smaller in real life

Chelsea are the champions of Europe, despite finishing sixth in the league and yet another mid-season managerial change. There has been speculation since the club were founded in 2003 that their oligarch owner was only there for the European Cup, and that he'd be heading east before long. Plans for a new stadium are afoot, several players need replacing and a new manager needs to be appointed.

So what's next for Chelsea?
 
Robert Palmer Chelsea and the Power Station
 
The club have put in a bid for Battersea Power station, with a convoluted scheme to keep the towers involved. It may be posturing to the local council that they're prepared to leave, with Hammersmith and Fulham admitting the club make them several million a year in extra revenue. The European triumph should help them in their case, as it's likely there'd be several empty seats at Stamford Bridge for a Europa League tie. There is the possibility that new owners could lead to extra investment, but Liverpool fans will testify that new stadia don't grown on trees.

 Needed to power the stairlifts in the players lounge

Captain on trial
 
The banner at Chelsea reads JT: Captain, Leader, Legend. Perhaps. But what will it say, if it indeed remains, should Terry be convicted at his trial? If found guilty and no appeal, there will be enormous pressure on the club to sack their captain - it cannot be taken seriously with any anti-racism campaign otherwise. It could rumble on for months, but the club may need to be swift and decisive. Of course Terry could end up presenting on TalkSport, touring with Jim Davidson or appearing on Seinfeld. But then he could be found not guilty, and he can be free to hog every celebration from Royal Weddings to the destruction of the Death Star.

 Blue 26 standing by

Changing of the guard

Drogba is leaving. Terry could be leaving. Lampard keeps hanging around. Ferreira, Malouda, and Cole are all the wrong side of thirty. Villas-Boas tried to change things, perhaps too quickly. But some fresh blood is required, and good new blood costs money and wants to play. Would the next young thing from Germany or Spain come to Chelsea and potentially sit on the bench like Torres? Mata is a step in the right direction, but a whole spine may need replacing. As George Harrison sang, it's gonna take patience and time to do it right. The European Cup may tempt Eden Hazard, but they need more than a flirt, they need a sure thing.

 Terry wolf-whistled the hot girls

Step off the merry-go-round

AVB (known as DVD by the senior pros) has gone. Di Matteo is unlikely to get the job, despite adding a European Cup and FA Cup to his glittering CV from MK Dons and West Brom. A dream return for Mourinho looks dead after signing a new deal at Madrid. Who next? Not many managers would want to work at a club where long-term thinking is a curse word next to Ken Bates. There have been jokes that John Terry is picking the team anyway, but would they go so far as to appoint him, trial pending. It's been a while since a big club has had a player-manager, so perhaps it's an option. Or could Roman pick the team? At least Torres may get a start then.

 "Do I get a medal? I made you look good"

Either way, the season can now be seen as a success as they go straight to the group stages and will make a bucket load of cash. A gold star will sit above the crest next week, and competing in the World Club Cup will add further riches. Proof that throwing enough money at something will work eventually, just in time to get compliant with financial fair play.

If Roman stays or goes, there's not much more to achieve. Short of turning Stamford Bridge into the Temple of Doom, it looks like our hero may have reached the end of his story. Until the bad sequel in twenty years with Ray Winstone and aliens...

Relegation kits - a simple formula

Another guest blog, this time from John Lamb, who has earned himself a position on the contributor tab. A nice new angle on football shirts, with a current twist.

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It should come as no surprise to Blackburn, Bolton and even Portsmouth fans. I can predict how teams will do over the course of a season. There I’ve said it. A brave, maybe even arrogant statement, but it’s true. AND this season I’ve put my money where my mouth was and beaten the bookies*. 

Shall I let you in on my little secret? I look at the kits. Or as I like to call them the ‘relegation kits’.

I learnt the lesson young, in 1987 in fact, as my team the mighty Huddersfield Town ran out against the ‘sleeping giant’ (read pre-Sheikh) Manchester City. It was clear for all to see that the sky blues of Maine Road were about to take apart what has now become known as the bruised banana XI.

Town slipped on the banana

Ninety minutes and ten goals against later, our team traipsed off the pitch marching on to relegation and a wonderful day for me at primary school the next day.

And so it is, some lessons are tough to learn. Just think - when early season fever strikes you next August and you think “this season, maybe just maybe”, think again. Just go and look in the club shop and if you’re team’s about to run out in this...

Patchwork football shirt, sponsored by a mop

...then it’s probably not going to be your promotion year. I have to admit I own this kit and amazingly I saw one selling for £35 on ebay the other day – I’m guessing it’s rare and I’ve got ‘the other one’!

You get the gist, I’m sure after seeing that kit you understand how my team played with no guts and no pride in their performance – they certainly couldn’t take pride in their appearance. So let’s look back at this season’s kits and learn from other team’s mistakes.

Bolton Wanderers

 Don't bet on this one

The Shirt:

A revolting kit moving away from the classic white shirt with dark blue trims.

The Team:

No longer the solid backbone of defending with passing added on top, now just a mishmash achieving nothing.

Blackburn Rovers

 They didn't do well at real life Mortal Kombat

The Shirt:

No character, flair or quality

The Team:

No character, flair or quality

Portsmouth

 Spiderman's costume got mixed receptions

The Shirt:

This is actually their third shirt. Sadly this season they’ve been in the red more than the black...

The Team:

All heading for Jobsite.

Oh and if you were wondering why the Cardiff fans don’t want to change their team colours to red, maybe this can explain why:

 Echo... Echo... Echo...

*Disclaimer: I did beat the bookies this year but it had nothing to do with the kits worn by the teams.

Technology in football? Let's do this properly

He came to NC Towers. He begged for a second blog. He invited me to smell his cheese. He now drives a rebadged Mini Metro and has a friend called Dan. His name is John Sills, and here is his second blog.

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With the domestic season drawing to a close, all eyes will turn to the impending cultural extravagance that is Euro 2012.

Or more accurately, all eyes will point towards Frank Lampard's non-goal against Germany in the 2010 World Cup, which I predict will be shown at least 38 times on British TV during June.

Drunk groundsman of the year?

Worry not though, goal line technology is on the way to save us from the travesty of justice that inflicts the  England football team every 46 years. And that got me thinking - what other digital delights could we bring into football whilst the bandwagon is rolling?

Dive detectors

Inspired by Jermaine Pennant, all suspected divers would be requested to wear a tag around their ankle, with a tiny spirit level inside. When Ashley Young or Gareth Bale attempted an 'Inward Pike'. the tag would recognise the balance changing at a frankly unbelievable speed or angle. The tag would then inflate for the rest of the match to the size of a Melon, hampering the guilty player and also making him look like a big fool.

Derry's sudden demonstration of his new velcro shorts left Young scrambling for cover

10 yard enforcers

Your team wins a free kick in a dangerous position - it's the last minute of the game, and if it goes in, you get into the play-offs... But wait! That wall is never far enough away! They're creeping forward! Not to worry - the ref simply stands next to the ball just before the kick is taken, and fires his taser gun with a 10 yard wire on it. That should discourage the defenders from getting too close.

Every second counts

Inspired by Gary Kasparov and other unknown Chess players, the fourth official would actually do something useful. He or she would be given a giant clock with a large stop/start button on, to hit every time the ball went out of play (or Hull CIty had the ball). With everyone able to see, this would ensure time wasting became a thing of the past, with a full 90 minutes of glorious football guaranteed. 

He's not that kind of player

Let's vote on that. As soon as the victim has stopped screaming after another horrendous tackle from the Frankenstein-esque defender, the crowd get to pick up their voting pads and let the ref know their views. Is he that kind of player? If yes, it's a straight red. If no, then he must be at playing at Home, and therefore the crowd get asked a random question to check their general intelligence. The first person to answer correctly gets the deciding vote. I'd imagine this system could be used in many other circumstances, such as 'It would have changed the game'; 'He's not the player he was'; and 'The referee's a...'

Terry was as shocked as anyone at the sight of the Ref's tiny armpit-hand

SIT DOWN!!!

No-one likes fans who get up and wander about during the match, but needs must. If you're addicted to £8 soggy Nachos, or have the bladder of a field mouse with interstitial cystitis, sometimes you just have to leave your seat. Let's have a small vending-train running around the stands with food and drink on, locked in plastic cases. These can be released when the pie-munching supporter taps his Credit Card on the box. This won't necessarily solve the bladder-control issue, but there is potential for the now-empty plastic boxes to be reused.

Next stop on the sausage express, St Pauli

So there we go Sepp, a few more ideas to get cracking on with now that you've succumbed to the pressure of the Wronged. It won't be long before we're all sat at home in front of our TV screens, controlling the players every move, believing that it's just as good as the real thing...

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If you fancy making an appearance on the contributor section of this blog, and have a burning desire to blog for NC, get in touch and we'll make it happen.

It's up for grabs now - last day of the season

Sky already have their cameras ready. A couple will be focused on the trophy being lifted, of the players lying on the grass in tears. But the others will be aiming into the crowd, poised to capture the emotions of the fans. The Premier League season is coming to an end this Saturday, but significantly, there is still an awful lot to play for.

The title hasn't been decided. Three teams can still finish third. Two teams (Bolton and QPR) could still be relegated with Wolves and Blackburn - Aston Villa are 99.9% safe. The fans of those clubs have invested months, money and tears in their teams, and ninety minutes will shape their lives. As is tradition, many will be in fancy dress for their last game. Even Brendan Rodgers has asked Swansea fans to dress as Elvis... This Wally below was a Birmingham fan last season.

Well done photographer, you found him!

So it's my turn to preview the final day of the season, NC style. Looking at the title race, the race for Europe and the relegation places. Read on...

The title

It looks all over. Fergie reckons that City have two hands on the trophy. QPR need not bother turning up apparently. Or is this just the famous drunk rubbish he spouts mind games? The sub-plots are in place. Mark Hughes returns to the club that binned him. United travel to a team which could almost call themselves a Man Utd Old Boys XI. This could be the first championship decided on goal difference since 1989. Remember we're talking about Manchester City, chokers supreme. For what it's worth, I hope City win with a last minute Tevez goal, so we can all revel in the hero worship of the mercenary who really doesn't want to be there.

City announce Roque Santa Cruz is to return in place of Aguero

Third/fourth place

It seems like no-one wants Champions League football next season. Every weekend, the main contenders seem to match each other stride for stride. Spurs perhaps have the most to be upset about, even in late January they were being touted as potential champions. Arsenal recovered from an awful start, while Newcastle were being linked with relegation and have now shown that maybe Mike Ashley wasn't a complete tosser after all. The Gunners have it in their hands, but a Roy Hodgson farewell show isn't out of the question, and the Chelsea versus Bayern match will have two sets of fans watching the final with all the stress of a trip to the dentist. No predictions for me, but Chelsea are in an enviable position of power over their rivals. If they win the cup, feel sorry for the Belgian champions who would then have to enter a play off rather than the group stage directly.

The Spurs PA system played Diamond Lights on repeat

Relegation

Wolves and Blackburn have gone. QPR need a point at Man City (worth a fiver perhaps), while Bolton will rue chucking a two-goal lead at home to West Brom. If clubs were sent down based on quality, it would be hard to choose just three. Villa have been abject, Wigan were awful before March, and even Stoke have scored the fewest goals in the division but survive by rugby alone. Blackburn fans claim their owners Venky's believed that they couldn't be relegated (like US sports). It's like playing Russian Roulette for morons - just stick six bullets in the gun and watch them keep firing.

Earrings from Elizabeth Duke

It's not been a great Premier League season by any stretch, but for one day, there'll be drama, triumph and pain. Plus the potential for extra drama in Munich come the following Saturday evening.

Once the season is done, I'll do the usual football blog guff with awards, memories and reviews.

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Don't forget to vote here for which shirt you think I should buy with my Classic Football Shirts voucher, the poor Dortmund shirt is feeling unloved...

Classic football shirts - put it to a vote

When revisiting a blogs, I always seem to return to football kits. As a one-time collector (I had every England shirt from 1985-2011 at one point, as well as several from other clubs and countries), it's something of a hobby. But now, I've been presented with an opportunity which I hope regular readers will help with...

The fantastic chaps at Classic Football Shirts have given me a discount code to spend at their shop, as well as a cracking deal on a Finland shirt (blame Mrs NC). But what do I use my discount on? In the interests of remaining fairly neutral, I'm going to list four shirts that I have my eye on, and hopefully you'll point me in the right direction.

 Rich couldn't decide what shirt to buy so threw it open to the masses

I'll be collecting votes by Twitter, Facebook and comments below, and if you could spread the word to get as large a turnout as possible, I (and CFS!) will be grateful, availability and size permitting of course. The winning shirt will be purchased and modelled accordingly. If you want to chip in to hire a real model as well, that'd be welcome...

Athletic Bilbao 1996 home

Despite my previous blog about people supporting Bilbao being like those who came late to the Wire, that is one beautiful shirt. Plus feeling obliged to put at least one La Liga shirt on the list, I had to put one that historically doesn't get on with Barcelona, and currently has a beef with Real Madrid.







Ajax 1991 home

The first foreign club I loved to watch, whether it be on Futbol Mundial or strangely timed European Cup highlights. The club that featured Bergkamp, Cruyff, Overmars, Litmanen and Van Basten... And how better to celebrate Bergkamp by the shirt from his spell at the club.

Borussia Dortmund 1997 away

Dortmund was the last European away game I went to, and definitely a favourite. The ground was amazing, the fans create quite the din. I'm sure friend of NC Steve B will vote for this, but I've opted for the away shirt because I don't think I could pull off the home version of the time... (They were the Champions of Europe in 1997).

Fiorentina 1992 third

Back in 1999, Arsenal had the crazy idea of playing European home games at Wembley. One of the visitors was Fiorentina, a team I'd loved watching on Football Italia. Batistuta and Laudrup were awesome, as were the violet shirts. As above, purple is a stretch, but their rare white third shirt to replace their 'swastika' effort is a simple beauty.











If any special shirt becomes available during the vote, I'll add it on afterwards and let you all know. I'm also compiling a hunt for some other shirts that I can't get just yet...

Voting closes on May 31st. Don't forget to share/RT with your friends and followers, I need plenty of opinion!

Hodgson - playing for cheap laughs

Much has been said about Roy Hodgson over recent days. The first England manager with previous international experience is now in post, with a four year contract. The Harry Redknapp links are in the past, and enough to derail Spurs' season.

As expected, the ins and outs of Roy's life are now pretty much public knowledge. His inside leg measurement, who he roomed with as a young footballer, the fact he played football in apartheid South Africa.

Previous blogs have mentioned the abuse which former England managers have received, some deserved (Hoddle), some cruel (Taylor). But already we're having piss-taking about Hodgson's apparent speech impediment - how far will it go if England bomb in the summer?

Hodgson explains to John Terry what 'zonal marking' means

When Hodgson was appointed Liverpool manager, it became almost feral. Headlines of "In Woy We Twust" were published, and comments about managing a team of Gewward, Cawwagher and Towwes. Roy's Anfield career was short lived, set to a soundtrack of Dalglish worship, Statler & Waldorf and poor performances.

Does it warrant abuse bordering on hate crime? We've seen players subjected to racism and nasty comments on Twitter. The great and the good are fair game now.

The Croydon Simpson (Larry Burns)

A friend of the blog describes the abuse as idiotic, and notes that the target is top of his profession about to earn £2m a year. Perhaps part of the mindset is purely that Roy just "isn't Harry Redknapp", as though knowledge of the tax system and being able to email is a sin.

Twitter has risen against the press campaign against Roy, the hashtag #loveroyhodgsonday was trending by lunchtime. Most decent people want to see him do well, a man who took Switzerland to third in the FIFA rankings, and Fulham to a Europa League final. The FA cornered themselves with their criteria for an English manager. We hope he's the best man for the job.

The sequel to Mike Bassett was an Oscar contender