The cult of David Beckham

Stuart Pearce appears to have put an end to David Beckham's Olympic dream. And by dream, I mean chance to hog the limelight and sell a few more bottles of perfume or pairs of pants. Pearce, for once, appears to have seen some sense and has named Micah Richards, Ryan Giggs and Craig Bellamy as the over-age players for the Great Britain football squad.

Needless to say, morons fans all over the world are up in arms. As Twitter wordsmith Jack Maca puts it "DAVID BECKHAM IS NOT IN THE SQUAD????? i hate stuart pearce! i hate the olympics and we should all boycott it ! #lovefordavid disgrace!" and "stuart pearce sucks donkey dick! worst decision in footballing history" It's fair to say Points of View will be getting a nasty letter.

But should we really be surprised? Beckham has spent the last five years in Los Angeles, playing celebrity friends with Tom Cruise, whilst occasionally kicking a pig's bladder at Landon Donovan for the Disney Hollywood Super Friends Galaxy. He has played in World Cups and European Championships, and generally brought the national team into the realms of Heat magazine. Shouldn't someone else have a go at big-boys football with Olympics?

Beckham had dreamed of meeting John Barrowman and his beard

Richards, Giggs and Bellamy aren't exactly short of baubles between them, and the Welsh pair were never likely to play in a major tournament, so why begrudge them at all?

The outrage on behalf of Beckham is hilarious, but sadly predictable. Does he really deserve a place in the squad purely because he went on a jolly to Singapore to schmooze with some IOC cronies in 2005? Or because there are still hundreds of thousands of unsold tickets for the football, although the fact that one such match includes Senegal vs the UAE in Coventry pretty much explains that fact.

Beckham was once a decent footballer, making a career out of doing some things very well, and having nice hair. He won pretty much everything that could be won with clubs, and made a couple of quid as well. Does he need a legacy to include an Olympic medal?

Beckham models the Team GB away kit

In much the same way that 'Arry Redknapp was overlooked for the England job, some (admittedly not all) of the tabloid press are saying it's an outrage, that he deserves it for all he's done for the game. But then he's also got to take responsibility for the popularity of the Hoxton Fin haircut, children named after where they were conceived (has there been a child named KFC yet?) and men wearing sarongs.

But then he did kick Diego Simeone, so on second thoughts...

Becks just hanging around East London

Men behaving badly - football on pub TV

And lo, he said, taking his seat in the Watford branch of Walkabout, thou shalt spill his pint on the Private Pyle lookalike over the table when cheering a Wayne Rooney goal against Ukraine...

During an international tournament, it requires almost as much planning to support your team at home as it does abroad. Sure, you don't need to learn the Cyrillic alphabet or get injections, but you still need to ensure you have the best seat-to-bar spot, a night bus to get home, and enough mastery of 1980s terrace hits to bluff your way through the game.

Ensure you don't invite these herberts to your BBQ

The best and worst parts of the tournaments are the timing - summer. A few weeks after the end of a tiring season, when wives and girlfriends want to go away, and you may fancy a few days of cricket, tennis, or whatever floats your summer alcohol consumption boat. But there is the temptation for the barbecue. The sweet sense of burnt and ill cooked food, and praying for good weather.

The fixtures for Euro 2012 became apparent in December, and thus eager BBQ planning formed. The Sweden game was a Friday, so ideal. Would England progress? Would the quarter final be Saturday or Sunday? Will it ever stop pissing it down? Should one buy a gazebo while at Costco?

CarryAround - essential when it's your round

There's a lot to be said for going to the pub. The atmosphere is (usually) electric, there's the collective singing of the national anthem, and the hilarity of people who know little/nothing about football trying to blag it.

But then there's the dark side. The 2006 World Cup saw the great unwashed donning Sun-emblazoned Tommy helmets. The recent Ukraine game heard cries of 'no surrender to the IRA' and 'ten German bombers'. Someone must have lost their chip shop. It's highly unlikely that these people listened intently in history class.

Building Anglo-German relations...

Myself and regular collaborator GoW normally split the games. This year was pub, BBQ, pub, takeaway, and it worked nicely. Did we fancy going to the pub for an England v Germany semi-final? Er... Go on then.

No jacket required - a footballer's attire

There is a tale that moves around Arsenal fans. It may well be an urban myth. The story is that Chris Kiwomya, one of the last signings of the George Graham era, was not selected to play in the first match for which he was eligible, purely for the reason that he had not yet been fitted for his club blazer, and thus shouldn't represent the club.

Whether or not this is true, it says a lot about the expectations of Arsenal (and probably other) fans, that they allow themselves to think that it's true. It's like the entrance to Hogwarts, you've got to believe that it's there...

His blazer was made by Nike

These days, football is a much tighter sport, with the tiniest of percentages making the biggest difference. Bootmakers do their best to save a gram or two. Thousands of pounds are spent on GPS trackers which process data that show a player's most effective position. The comfort of the players.

We see them alighting the bus before a game, decked out in polyester threads, carrying expensive washbags and wearing headphones so large that they would make a Shoreditch fuckpig blush. But is there any pride in the appearance? When even Royal Ascot and Wimbledon are having to clamp down on dress codes, there is little a chance a Premier League manager will do the same.

Must not get sent off, must not get sent off...

Would there be a serious loss of form if players were forced to wear suits with embroidered crests when travelling on club duty? Some clubs still do it, on occasion. Manchester United players occasionally turn up in their posh threads, although it's safe to say that once Ferguson leaves, Rooney and co will be decked out in Primark's finest.

An example needs to be set. Roy Hodgson seems keen on returning to old school methods (his love for 40s throwback James Milner for example), while you can imagine David Moyes whipping his players in the nuts with a car antenna for the slightest indiscretion. If England were to win Euro 2012 having turned up the the final in Kiev wearing suits, it may be the secret answer after all!

The buttons weighed Vidic down so much, he was tired before the game

My favourite Euro 2012 lookalikes

Football lookalikes is usually a cheap filler, much like a Friends compilation episode or a post-1997 Oasis album. Fancied doing another bandwagon-jumping Euro 2012 post, so here are some cheap laughs for you all.

 Sloth (The Goonies)                       Wayne Rooney

Mario Gomez                                    George McFly

 Franck Ribery                             Blofeld (Bond villain)

Others deemed inappropriate due to 'bad taste' - Joleon Lescott and a Klingon; Petr Cech and Man-At-Arms from He-Man; Mezut Ozil and a zombie.

Euro 2012 - so far so good?

Three days and six games in, things have started quite nicely. An entertaining first game, one of the favourites losing already, and that camera work is still stuck in the dark ages.

What have we learned so far?

Craig Levein is a tactical pioneer

Back in October 2010 in qualifying for this very tournament, Scotland manager Craig Levein drew the ire of thousands by going to play the Czech Republic and fielding a 4-6-0 formation. Of course they lost. But this weekend, Spain decided to take on Italy with a similar formation, at least in name. The main difference is that the Spanish midfielders included Xavi, Iniesta, Silva and Fabregas, and were certainly buzzing around in front of the Italian back three. It was a fantastic game, and with rumours that the Barcelona job isn't quite secure, maybe Levein could be a dark horse?

Craig still had better hair than Messi

Group B is a genuine group of death

Everyone assumed that Denmark were the whipping boys, and the Dutch had the best run of fixtures so they could rack up the goals... But what was forgotten by most is that Denmark are currently ranked ninth in the world (above Italy and France), and to borrow a phrase, no mugs. The Danes only seem to be revered for their 1992 vintage, but how will this help the rest of the group? A win over Portugal would see them through to the quarter-finals, and who knows from there. The fact that they're carrying the biggest con man in football, Nicklas Bendtner, shows that perhaps they're getting used to playing without strikers as well.

 The third Jedward brother was dropped after auditions

TV companies haven't learnt a thing

Twitter is rife with abuse, jest and criticism of television coverage of football. Inane punditry, poor knowledge and the idea that everyone wants to hear 'banter'. They mostly have a point, although they do perhaps have the defence that the casual fan may not care too much about the duel between Maggio and Alba, or the inside leg measurement of Giovanni Trappatoni. Lots of license payers money spent on sets and Harry Redknapp, and we end up relying on Clarence Seedorf and Roberto Martinez to provide decent analysis. But it was nice of Auntie to match their set colour with Gary Lineker's skin tone.

For those watching in black and white...

No blame for the ball - yet

A new tournament, a new ball. In previous episodes, the balls have become celebrities in their own right, flying all over the place. The new Tango so far seems to be acting strangely, in that it hasn't messed with the five Ds of dodgeball (dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge) and is moving true. With twenty-five games to go, there is a lot of scope for a Ronaldo free kick or a full-back's shank to fly wickedly into the goal. But what are the goalkeepers going to blame then?

Soon to be available from the local pound shop

Hairy balls, not crystal balls - predictions

Forgive the slightly crude reference. It is a term I have used more than once in my day job, referring to the ability to look into the future (which I don't have). But never has it been more apt than a football tournament, and this summer focusing on Euro 2012.

This week, Alan Hansen became quite the trend on Twitter for seemingly predicting that Spain, Germany, Holland and Portugal would be his top four picks for the tournament. Of course this was jumped on, and pointed out that the latter three were all in the same group. It appears that he wasn't predicting semi-finalists anyway, so the vitriol aimed in his general direction was perhaps misplaced. Hansen has made a career of sitting on the fence, and picking those nations wasn't exactly sticking his neck out - he may as well have listed all sixteen. But as he said about the recent Goat World Cup, you don't win anything with kids.

Priceless defending... oh...

I suppose there is a science to predicting football results. When I discover it, I'll be a rich man. The betting website 888 have a competition running this summer where if you were to successfully guess the outcome of all 31 matches at Euro 2012, you could win £888,888. Will certainly draw in the punters. The odds? Surely millions to one. The Premier League also has a game within the Fantasy League allowing predictions, including a 'banker' bonus. Successes? Some.

Surely the lack of predictability is why people love football. Not many people predicted Greece to win in 2004, or Denmark in 1992. The difference between a penalty missed and a penalty scored, unless it's England v Germany. It's fun to predict - yet more often than not, they go horribly wrong. There is a running joke amongst Twitter and Football365 about Mark Lawrenson's weekly forecasts and how awful they are. In all fairness, they have improved in recent years, although his favour towards Liverpool endowed them with an extra 17 points.

Six more weeks of winter

It wouldn't be a major tournament without the usual magical animal. Paul the Octopus. Punxsutawney Phil... So who will we have this year? Pavel the Polish Penguin? I'm sure something will escape from the zoo to capture the hearts and stomachs of idiots everywhere. What will it be?

The next country to leave the Euro is...

Let's just enjoy the football. Place the occasional bet. Start a fantasy football team and give up halfway through when your French defenders have surrendered and gone home. Don't make predictions. Especially when England take penalties. Keegan I'm looking at you.

Sixteen candles - diluting the European Championship

Back in the 1980s, Molly Ringwald was the queen of teen movies. Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles. Back then, there wasn't a lot of competition in the field, and we look back with rose-tinted glassed at the success of it all. Ferris Bueller, Weird Science and Say Anything receive well-earned kudos.

Pardon the tenuous link, but this could also be a review of a 1980s European Championship. Fewer countries were eligible to play in UEFA's flagship, there were fewer matches to navigate, and we remember fondly the swashbuckling French in 1984 and the Dutch masters of 1988. Although then there were only eight candles...

Orwell hated the French version of 1984

Euro 2012 is the last tournament to feature sixteen teams, with twenty-four scheduled to appear in France 2016. At the time of writing, there are 53 member associations in UEFA, which means that nearly half of the teams eligible will be appearing in France. While I welcome the prospect of some new faces, surely they are doing away with the very thing that perhaps, on a quality basis if not prestige, makes the Euros more appealing than the World Cup.

UEFA refer to an 'historic decision giving middle ranked countries a much greater chance to qualify', but it screams of 'money money money'. The extra twenty matches will earn millions. The smaller nations looking to host will need to share amongst three nations (Scotland, Ireland and Wales are looking to host Euro 2020). Worst of all? A return to the 'four best third-ranked team'. So a team could effectively qualify with just a two points from three games. Rubbish. Back to lots?

UEFA frantically tried to reverse evidence of their excess

In the build up to Euro 96, pre-internet people were probably spouting the same rants about expanding from eight to sixteen teams. Tournaments tend to find the right balance after a while, once we've worked past the tedium of second group stages, replays and drawing lots. But then they expand beyond recognition into bloated behemoths.

World politics have changed so hugely since the 1980s, even as early as 1996 we were treated to Croatia and the Czech Republic - and it's likely that come 2016, a horde of former Soviet and Yugoslav nations may debut at the top table. We love a surprise (Denmark, Greece), but we feed on quality (Spain, Germany). The table is getting bigger. We can only hope there's enough food to go around.

It's too late to plead with UEFA to stay with the sweet sixteen. I don't want to have to re-write this blog in the future with too many 24 references, although a fight between Jack Bauer and Molly Ringwald would be interesting.

The very, very, very traditional opening ceremony for World Cup 2018

At least I got through a whole 80s film reference without mentioning Police Academy... Oh.