Am I a football hipster?

This is probably a bit old hat now, two weeks late etc. But I was bored and re-read the recently lauded '25 steps to becoming a football hipster', and thought I'd tally up my score. I recently read a blog by the splendid Llandudno Jet Set, his riposte seemed very fitting, and I wouldn't seek to emulate.

I've been listening to a podcast on the way home from work, and heard the word 'hipster' by one guest, and found it increasingly irritating. He also kept referring to 'Jewventus' so extra marks for being a nob.

So I've simply posted whether I meet the criteria, and see how I get on.

1. Get a zany football shirt - I have a Stranraer shirt as I have family there, and a Finland top as my wife is Finnish. Zany enough? I wouldn't dare criticise Real Oviedo again, after I got somewhat shot down in flames on the Guardian for calling the investors hypocrites...

2. Do not under any circumstances miss the Guardian’s Football Weekly with James Richardson - ok, I get a point here. Listened to it regularly for about 3 years now, although tend to miss them when I'm on holiday etc and don't tend to catch up... Half point?

3. Tell people you were into the Zonal Marking back when it was Mantoman.com - ZM's Dad, a former work colleague of mine, recommended the site back in 2010, probably the least hipster reason to follow it.

4. Buy Inverting The Pyramid. Read it cover to cover - half point again, read it and was hugely impressed by the level of research. A lot of it went straight over my head, and remained there...

5. Inform everyone around you that Spain are playing with a false nine - I leave that to others, I don't give a monkeys how Spain play, it works for them.

Silva's control of the football is masterful

6. Set up a Twitter account with a clever obscure football handle - ok, you got me. My Finnish blog name was inspired by Escape To Victory, hence bastardising the flag and the famous kit from the movie.

The Escape To Victory-esque Escape To Suomi

7. Consistently pour scorn on the Premier League - nope, have a season ticket for a big Premier League club, and while I bitch and moan a lot, wouldn't have it any other way.

8. Your favourite Barcelona player is no longer Messi. It’s Busquets - I think they're all bastards.

9. Hype up South American derbies like they are the biggest games in the world - nope, each to their own, but not really that interested.

10. Despise all football pundits except for Gary Neville and Pat Nevin - I prefer Lee Dixon.

11. Say Revista de La Liga has lost something since they sacked Mark Bolton - it was better when Michael Laudrup was a guest.

12. Actively root for AVB and always, always refer to him as AVB - no, he'll always be either DVD or Rick Astley.

13. At all times defend Zlatan Ibrahimovic - he's entertaining, and I like the Arsenal story, but he can be a monumental cock.

But could he have played with Eboue?

14. Adore everything about Borussia Dortmund - enjoyed my trip there in Sept 11, and this blog was sort of born there, but I know someone who loves it more. Good stadium food though.

15. Set up a blog - guilty x2. Definitely don't ask for RTs though. All I get anyway are gratefully received.

16. Engage in a twitter argument with Ken Early over the six-second rule - who?

17. Live tweet The Sunday Supplement - normally in bed or at work when it's on. Far too far past it's sell-by date.

18. Assert that this Barcelona team is decent but nowhere near as good as Sacchi’s Milan - Didn't people say that before the European Cup final in 1994? Oh, that's a bit hipster...

19. Only discuss Newcastle United en francais - the same way people used to talk about Arsenal? Are we still calling them Nouveau Chateau?

20. Play FIFA 13 using the Brendan Rodgers possession game - Nothing wrong with hoof it and hope, I'm crap at it anyway.

21. Pay a fortune for a Norwegian satellite feed to follow the progress of Molde - I get to watch a few Finnish league games, not paid a penny yet... The option is there though. Point?

22. Set up an African Cup of Nations twitter list for the duration of the tournament - nope, barely watched any of it.

23. Wake up every morning and remember the great Yugoslav team that never was - some times it's all I think of. Didn't see much of it, maybe the 1998 Croatia team...

The 90s hipster icon? Or was it Prosinecki...?

24. Only ever pronounce team names in the language of the country they’re from - Mooopah, Koooops and Laaaaaahhhhhteeeeeee? Point.

25. State with confidence that Off The Balls’s football show was better with ‘Parker & Lovejoyyyyyyyy” on Friday nights - if it's anything to do with Tim Lovejoy, it's probably better.

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I don't know, maybe I'm about halfway there. I doubt I'll be heading to Germany to see any games that Arsenal aren't involved in, or following Gary Neville on Twitter. But I do wonder what the 90s me would have thought.

When is a volley not a volley?

As part of my daily commute, I've found several new podcasts in recent months, so the packed cattle express of the 0712 to Waterloo can pass by that little bit quicker. With teutonic regularity, I wake every morning to find a BBC 5 Live daily podcast, essentially a summary of the previous evening's football.

Along came Monday, and a review of the Sunday fixtures. Alas the podcast was only seven minutes long (barely made it to the station), but I heard a peach from pundit Danny Mills after the Manchester City vs Liverpool match. He referred to a splendid volley by Steven Gerrard for Liverpool's second goal.

Gerrard's 'volley' (let it load first)

Now, despite my age (32), I like to think of myself as old school. I like retro shirts, the idea of standing at a match, and the days of flamboyant pop stars owning Hertfordshire football clubs. But am I that out of touch with the kids of today, so much that I didn't even think of Gerrard's goal as a volley?

Gerrard's 'volley' video

I learned the game on the (ahem) tough streets of North London, where Headers & Volleys was the general game of choice. Stick the fat kid in goal, and everyone would try and tee each other up to score with either a header or a volley. Simple. The game policed itself, a volley would have to be struck first time, no contact with the ground since leaving the teammate's foot, lest the chants of 'cheat' ring through the Elthorne Estate.

So why has the term volley become so loose? From recent memory, it seems any goal struck first time or hit with power can apply. Has the player chested it down? Meh, volley. Did it bounce first? Volley. NO!!!

Tony Yeboah's goal against Liverpool was a volley. Marco van Basten's goal against the Soviet Union was a volley. Paul Scholes at Bradford was a volley. Any excuse to see them again really...

 Yeboah v Liverpool

Van Basten v USSR

Scholes v Bradford

Finally, I've been accused several times of an anti-Liverpool bias on this blog. It's not really true, and I have several close family members who support them. But even the most die-hard Mickey Mouser will admit that Gerrard's goal, while very good, was not a volley. Plus I only put Yeboah's goal against Liverpool in because it was a good example. I hate Leeds as well.

PS I tweeted yesterday that it was Graeme Le Saux who said the offending comment about volley, when it was definitely Danny Mills. Who did this against Ashley Cole. So he's not all bad...