Work football teams - from Met Police to Police Machine

Metropolitan Police. Vauxhall Motors. Harrogate Railway Athletic. PSV Eindhoven. Manchester United. Arsenal. All football clubs of various standing, from the Barclays Premier League to the Northern Premier League, taking in a handful of European Cups as well. All work teams at various stages in their lives.

Manchester United were originally Newton Heath LYR Football Club, made up of employees of the Lancashire and Yorkshire Railway, wearing green and gold – brought to a new generation of fans by way of a 1990s away shirt and the Glazer Out brigade. Similarly Arsenal were founded by workers at a munitions factory in Woolwich (a fact still brought up regularly by Spurs supporters).

Crook gets nicked by Wrighty

The Metropolitan Police meanwhile are at a different stage in their evolution. The club are still run by current or retired Police officers and staff, several members of the coaching staff are Bobbies, but at present, none of the players have walked the beat. The club still get noticed as a result of their heritage, with last season’s league table (after 27 matches) showing W9 D9 L9 unfortunately a marketing opportunity missed. If you can’t buy a club replica shirt from there, you won’t be getting a hastily made t-shirt. The club are advertising for someone to administer a club shop on their behalf.

In the days of austerity, large organisations giving company time off for employees to play top level support is a rarity indeed. Despite heavily plastering home internationals with their branding, Vauxhall will no doubt be ensuring that their staff are stuck to a production line making the new Adam, Clive or whatever it’s called. The club had to resign their place in the Conference North last year and regroup several divisions lower due to the costs involved.

This isn’t the equivalent of the American work softball team (even with C. Montgomery Burns recruiting ringers). The higher achieving clubs have moved beyond their employment. PSV Eindhoven started life as a recreation for staff working at Philips, while their initial crest resembled a lightbulb, representing the parent company. The jerseys are still sponsored by the firm, while their ground is called the Philips Stadion. I doubt their players are still forced to work in the factory, manually rewinding cassette tapes or road-testing their DVD players.

I told you to trim those sideburns!

A recent listen to the BBC’s World Football Phone-In podcast had the peerless Tim Vickery talk about the origins of various sporting clubs throughout South America – focusing heavily on Uruguayan giants Peñarol, who were originally known by the simple moniker of Central Uruguay Railway Cricket Club (CURCC). It was part of a wider discussion about the European influence on sport throughout the continent, also including the always-entertaining name of the Chilean club O’Higgins, formed by the descendants of Irish nobility.

One recurring theme throughout the world is the number of clubs with Police or military backgrounds. The much lampooned Police Machine, winners of a Nigerian league match 67-0 in 2013, are regularly mentioned on the Football Ramble. Thai club Police United were managed by Finnish wanderer Mika Lönnström until recently, until firing him under what his agent called ‘controversial circumstances’, probably unpaid parking tickets. Vietnamese second division team Viettel FC were once known as The Cong, the football team of the Vietnam People’s Army. Didn’t see them on Forrest Gump or Full Metal Jacket.

Rage Against The Police Machine

We live in different times, where it’s unlikely that we’ll ever see a work football team rise to the professional ranks. I’m sure the Slough branch of a paper merchants would dream of playing Barcelona or Bayern Munich (or even Swindon) when taking to the pitch of their local Power League on a Monday night.

I’ll nail my colours to the mast – I’m currently on the committee of Metropolitan Police FC. The club president is Commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe, but I doubt he’d ever pay us a visit. I have to write the matchday programmes in my own time, heaven forbid I’d get the chance to do it while at work. Most of the other people at the club have other jobs, families and commitments which mean their hours devoted to the club are vital. Like most non-league clubs, they’d fold pretty quickly without the generosity of the staff. At least the Met have a name and a heritage to lean on, if not the local community, where there is a plethora of established teams.

Although I do wonder if the players of Lisburn Distillery are employees – if so, we may have to play a friendly against them… Promise we won’t breathalyse their players as they arrive for the match!

My favourite kits of the 2014 World Cup

Purely subjective. Feel free to disagree. Before you come back at me, I'd have bought them all if I had the money, but I'd rarely wear them - I still have a 2012 Italy GK shirt with the tags on in the drawer.

1. France home/away (Nike)

KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid. A phrase I was taught in my early days at work, and something I live by. Beautifully simple design, the collar on the home shirt is a thing of beauty, and it's matched by a nice understated away kit, with a Henley/grandad collar and feint hoops. Not perhaps as iconic as the 80s Adidas efforts, but fine modern efforts. Hoping to pick one up in the post-WC sales, while some of their training and 'leisurewear' is gorgeous.

2. Colombia home (Adidas)

Some of this year's Adidas efforts have been a bit too elaborate. This one is bordering on it, but redeemed hugely by the collar. Very much like the collars of the late 80s Adidas kits, such as Arsenal and Liverpool, and even adding white to yellow/navy which is tough to pull off. Should have picked one up before the tournament, rare as rocking horse shit to get now (in my size anyway). Damn.

3. USA away (Nike)

The bold colours of the national flag, a simple uncomplicated shirt design, really nice. Bear in mind their 1994 away effort (the denim effect with the stars), this is a world away. Another one I'll be trying to pick up at some point.

4. Germany home (Adidas)

Ah, I see what they did... The 1990 classic had a statement flash across the chest. This one isn't as memorable or colourful, but it works well on a simple template shirt with minimum fuss. Shame the away kit isn't green. Best German home top in a while.

5. Chile home (Puma)

Interesting this one. Some of the 2014 Puma releases range from dull (the African/Swiss ones) to the pornographic (Uruguayan nipples). This has an unorthodox collar, but it has more to it than a bog-standard round/v-neck. It doesn't seem as fitted as the others, something forgiving for the replica wearer. Considered buying it but even at £48 in SportsDirect it seemed a little steep.

World Cup dream team - pundits and podcasts

It's typical of a World Cup, where people you work with who scoff at all talk of football, suddenly gain an interest when it comes to sweepstakes and the fact that their favourite TV programme has been shifted in favour of Iran v Nigeria. These are also (probably) the people who ITV aim their coverage at - they aren't the people who know about formations, or the politics, or the backstory of CONCACAF qualification. They want some vaguely familiar faces to explain what happened in the game.

Worth going Dutch for

Having to explain to Mrs ETS why people prefer BBC's coverage of a jointly-broadcasted game (clue: it's not the adverts) was a challenge, and I wonder if you'll indulge my answer. As above, ITV seem to aim their coverage at bloke in the street, with INGERLUND flags from the bedroom windows, and the sort who'll happily order Carling when other lagers are available. The BBC have a slightly more diverse brief it seems, aiming at the viewer who may have some working knowledge of football, and the ability to identify the Swiss flag is a big plus.

Podcasts are a slightly different beast. There are hundreds of football podcasts available. Some specialise in clubs, some in games from other countries, and those which try to cover several bases. I have had to whittle down my podcast subscriptions recently, because I realised that by the time I got round to some, I'd already heard the same opinions from the same people on another pod. Luckily perhaps the ESPN FC podcast, which was a bit hit and miss and was almost exclusively aimed at the Premier League, was cancelled at the end of the season, which spared a decision on that.

Anyway, rather than write rationales for my preference of people involved, I've my ideal line-up for each media platform, the current ones on form at least. Some creative license will be used, but I welcome debate. Do your worst.

TV

Host: G Lineker

Studio pundits: T Henry, G Souness, J Carragher

Commentator: B Davies, G Neville

Speaks for itself really. No ITV representation, although Lee Dixon and Gordon Strachan aren't bad, as long as the latter doesn't try to be too funny. Shearer has improved in recent years, and early Hansen was very good but became a parody of himself. Souness qualifies for being rather menacing when talking about his many baubles. Chiles can fuck off. Thierry Henry really should launch his own clothing line. Rio Ferdinand has impressed, his current professional insight helps, unfortunately he talks like some sort of street urchin. I grew up with Barry Davies, and hopefully it's not just nostalgic reminiscing, but Martin Tyler seems a little bit too much like he's announcing everything as though it'll go down in history alongside Agueroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Podcast

Host: J Richardson

Panel: T Vickery, P Auclair, B Lyttleton, A Lawrence

On the phone: R Honigstein

A bit Guardian heavy I'll admit, and there were some close calls. I'm a late arrival to the Vickery party, although I was always a big fan of his BBC articles, but only got into the World Football Phone-In recently, despite the somewhat irritating host... Lyttleton makes an appearance for strong showings in the European Football Show and the now-defunct ESPN effort. AC Jimbo anchors, more for the retro Football Italia days. Honigstein provides more than just Bundesliga on the dog and bone. I'd love it if Amy Lawrence read me a bedtime story. I used to like Barry Glendenning, but the sour act has worn a little thin.

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I appreciate that some of this will sound a little bitter... I'd love to have my own podcast, or even be invited onto one as some sort of 'expert'. Unfortunately I've gone far too niche with Finland, who are unlikely to qualify for any major tournament in my lifetime. I'm available as a podcast guest for a packet of pink wafers and a hot chocolate.