The fruits of labour for a football fan. While the planes part may be slightly more exclusive to the fans of clubs who compete in Europe, everyone can enjoy the open road or the engineering-work affected rail. On a Saturday morning, hordes of cars full of blokes overtake fleets of coaches on the motorway, scarves and novelty toys obvious. The lottery of all is the train, but inherent charm remains. Today we look at the three main modes of transport, the pros and cons.
Planes
Another captain dilemma for the England management
Ardent fans sit by the telly or radio, laptop on the go, ready for the draw for the away leg in Europe - is it a lad's trip to a questionable Eastern European city, or a glamour tie in Milan, Barcelona or Madrid? Of course, both have their advantages, the thought of drinking local brew for 5p a pint in an alleyway in Albania while avoiding the local gangs has a rush. Or the idea of finally getting to go to the Bernabeu? Sure it's somewhere different, while the leader of the group insists on eating 'something nice' at the expense of egg and chips.
Waking up at 3am, dragging your weary self around to a provincial airport, forcing that first freezing pint of Fosters down your gullet, and trying to retain a taste of Blighty by carrying hand luggage consisting of Monster Munch, Jaffa Cakes and the Sun. It's a package holiday condensed into 24 hours, knowing that as soon as you're released from the stadium, it's straight back to do it all over again, in an airport with one toilet, no duty free, and one food outlet, being barged out of the way by the comedy fat fan begging for water.
The Mad Men style ad campaigns of the 1960s made air travel look glamorous. But not even Don Draper could sell a Ryanair flight with 150 Stoke fans to the Ukraine.
Trains
Gooners board the new trains at Grimsby after a 1-0 win
One of the great engineering feats. Nope, not the new iPad, but the train. Herding cattle/fans up and down the country, often via the cultural hot spots of Doncaster or Crewe. Except on a weekend. Or a bank holiday. There is an art form to booking train tickets, much like with plane seats. If you see when the TV fixtures move, and beat Virgin to it, you may be able to get a Monday night train from Euston to Manchester for £15. But if you're an hour later? You're looking at the best part of a ton.
In the 1980s, when football violence (in England anyway) was at a peak, the powers that be decided that rather than inflict fighting and pastel tracksuits on the public, that fans would be taken on football-only trains known as Football Specials. They fell by the wayside as part of privatisation, and also the fact that they were pretty much moving fight clubs. One bright spark even thought of putting disco carriages in them, and the prospect of sweaty middle aged men boogieing away at 9am while drinking Hofmeister probably sounded the death knoll for the idea.
Environmentally friendly? Sure. Cheap? Sometimes. Convenient? Hardly. It's another stinging endorsement of TV scheduling when games often finish after the last train leaves back to the away club's hometown. Maybe if they included the price of a Travelodge room, people may not be quite so annoyed.
Automobiles
Arsenal finally relented and let the coach go 'home' to Catalunya
Every weekend up and down the country, thousands of vehicles ferry fans to and fro, from Plymouth to Middlesbrough, and back. Some kind soul may well use their company car to do the honourable thing, as long as you can put up with the radio choices. All you need to decide is how much to chip in for petrol, and whether you go to KFC or Burger King at the services.
Coaches are a wholly different beast. You feel the thrill of arriving at your home ground at stupid o'clock in the morning. Getting onto a coach that would be cramped for nursery children, surrounded by people of dubious hygiene and cheese sandwiches. Being forced to watch a rugby video because the driver 'lost' the Basic Instinct tape. Sticking rigidly to formation, like a Red Arrows squadron - coach one leads, so if you're on coach 34, you're knackered if you needed that Wimpy at Watford Gap.
Perhaps I'm doing coaches a dis-service, they're often fairly cheap and it's less hassle, but when you're heading back to London from Old Trafford, and seeing car after car of gurning Cockney Red moon you from a Ford Mondeo, you'll be wishing you took the train.
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