The Good (Football) Pub Guide

Much has been made, especially by this site, about the superstitions and rituals around going to football matches. Lucky pants, getting certain trains, buying the same sweets before each game. But for the more grown up amongst us (I don't think too many young ragamuffins are logging on to read this), it's all about the pub.

Much like the episode of Men Behaving Badly where Gary and Tony had to review various hostelries before plumping for the renovated version of their favourite anyway, the football pub is like a cathedral, where football fans go to drink with other football fans, to chat about the game as they see it over a pint of watered-down gnat's piss in a plastic glass.

The pioneers of the Good Pub Guide

There are several key categories you need to consider when choosing the pub, some of which we shall review below. I shamelessly admit to using the pub I normally drink in before games as a template, and it may be some sort of omerta to mention some parts of the pre-match ritual, it's all about being objective. I also appreciate that I'm using Saturday at 3pm as the standard kick-off, which doesn't happen all that often.

Selection of drinks

Most football fans are pretty gullible. There, I've said it. We'll drink what's on offer, usually because it's the only thing there. That's why the bars inside grounds make a killing, because they sign exclusive contracts with suppliers, to sell only one beer (usually Carlsberg). However, most self-respecting people would rather set fire to themselves than drink that swill, so that could be the deciding reason they drink elsewhere. Forgetting that licensing rules almost always stipulate supplying your beer in a plastic glass, what else is there? You can still get your beer in glass bottles, and it's safe to say more people get bottled than glassed. Is the beer watered-down? Do you get to choose between the lagers of the globe, or merely Fosters and a questionable wife-beating alternative? Some pubs will score highly on this round by virtue of selling perhaps an exotic Spanish lager on draft, served by dusty lovelies who may or may not be relatives of the owner. But it's more than that…

 They have a wide selection

Entertainment

Once you've had your fry-up in the local greasy spoon, you need a cold pint of something to wash it down with. You arrive early, the pub doors are open, and Soccer AM or Sky Sports News is on the big screen. Sorted. But then… The novelty band who were funny a few years ago take to the stage, clouds of dry ice rise, and the braying morons who still buy their CDs and follow them on Twitter scream with delirium. The TV goes off. The songs begin about the former left back who uses Nokia phones, and singing about having a can of Red Stripe for me breakfast. Big minus points. The pub has invested in big screens, why not use them? In the days of smartphones, people want information, and the stream of numbers at the bottom of Soccer Saturday will keep them there, and keep them spending. Don't get delusions of grandeur. Don't rest on your laurels. Keep Pointless for the weekday evenings at home, stick it on 405 with the sound up.

 The bar is in 3D!

Clientele

Are you fluent in Finnish? Do you wear strange hats, fake replica shirts and tight jeans? Then you may fit in with the day tripper, the ones who spend hundreds in the club shop, then jinx your team by unveiling their new away shirt with 'Champions' on the back, while your team are top on goal difference and in bad form. They take photographs of the photographs on the wall. They play Europop on the jukebox. They'll strike up a conversation with your mate about how much they too love Dortmund, and you'll be stuck with them for the rest of the day. You need to just ignore it, and try and fight your way past them to get to the bar while they order a pina colada with a slim panatella. Put yourself in their odd shoes. If your team gets drawn away in Europe to a Nordic team, you'll be the ones at the bar in clothing that isn't suitable for the weather, moaning about spending £9 on a half pint of the local ale. They're the fans your club wants. You need to accept them, or find a new pub.

 Not normally included, these women

Toilets

Not many blokes worry about the facilities in the toilet. If there's a hole in the floor, it'll do. It's a bonus to not have to aim around the rapscallions snorting Columbia's finest off the cisterns. You know you're somewhere posh if the swamp has an attendant (don't do a Cheryl Cole and hit them, it's bad for your career, honest), screaming "no spray, no lay" while aiming half a can of Lynx Africa at the back of your head. The sophisticated venue will have the commentary of the lunchtime kick-off piped into the gents, allowing you to take your time and actually wash your hands. The average venue will have a towel in a puddle on the floor, assorted grafitti on the walls relating to previous visiting clubs, and a young child holding dearly onto their dad's hands, wondering if this really is the glamour end of the game. You're not in Kansas now Toto.

 Stare silently ahead

Charitable donations

Once you're in the football pub, you're part of a captive audience. You've suffered a 45 minute wait at the bar, sweating like Gary Glitter in PC World with the lack of air conditioning, and you are surely next in line for that stool when the pregnant woman moves… So in comes the slightly simple looking chap holding the replica trophy of a competition you've never won, offering photographs with it in return for a donation to a charity you've never heard of. Funny how that bloke always has a new Rolex and new shoes… There is also the tin-rattler, collecting for "the children, won't somebody please think of the children". Never mind that the ID around her neck refers to the local video library, she is clearly keen to save many lives, while fleecing the merry men of the local boozer. When challenged about her quest, she'll run off at pace that would impress Usain Bolt, or just pat you on the head and give you a sticker. Either way, you need to tolerate being a sucker to keep drinking in your boozer of choice.

 Save the clock tower!

So there you go. You're armed with the main categories you'll need to consider before you choose your pub for the new football season. Just remember - there's always somewhere better. You just haven't the bottle to find it. Yet...