Technology in football? Let's do this properly

He came to NC Towers. He begged for a second blog. He invited me to smell his cheese. He now drives a rebadged Mini Metro and has a friend called Dan. His name is John Sills, and here is his second blog.

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With the domestic season drawing to a close, all eyes will turn to the impending cultural extravagance that is Euro 2012.

Or more accurately, all eyes will point towards Frank Lampard's non-goal against Germany in the 2010 World Cup, which I predict will be shown at least 38 times on British TV during June.

Drunk groundsman of the year?

Worry not though, goal line technology is on the way to save us from the travesty of justice that inflicts the  England football team every 46 years. And that got me thinking - what other digital delights could we bring into football whilst the bandwagon is rolling?

Dive detectors

Inspired by Jermaine Pennant, all suspected divers would be requested to wear a tag around their ankle, with a tiny spirit level inside. When Ashley Young or Gareth Bale attempted an 'Inward Pike'. the tag would recognise the balance changing at a frankly unbelievable speed or angle. The tag would then inflate for the rest of the match to the size of a Melon, hampering the guilty player and also making him look like a big fool.

Derry's sudden demonstration of his new velcro shorts left Young scrambling for cover

10 yard enforcers

Your team wins a free kick in a dangerous position - it's the last minute of the game, and if it goes in, you get into the play-offs... But wait! That wall is never far enough away! They're creeping forward! Not to worry - the ref simply stands next to the ball just before the kick is taken, and fires his taser gun with a 10 yard wire on it. That should discourage the defenders from getting too close.

Every second counts

Inspired by Gary Kasparov and other unknown Chess players, the fourth official would actually do something useful. He or she would be given a giant clock with a large stop/start button on, to hit every time the ball went out of play (or Hull CIty had the ball). With everyone able to see, this would ensure time wasting became a thing of the past, with a full 90 minutes of glorious football guaranteed. 

He's not that kind of player

Let's vote on that. As soon as the victim has stopped screaming after another horrendous tackle from the Frankenstein-esque defender, the crowd get to pick up their voting pads and let the ref know their views. Is he that kind of player? If yes, it's a straight red. If no, then he must be at playing at Home, and therefore the crowd get asked a random question to check their general intelligence. The first person to answer correctly gets the deciding vote. I'd imagine this system could be used in many other circumstances, such as 'It would have changed the game'; 'He's not the player he was'; and 'The referee's a...'

Terry was as shocked as anyone at the sight of the Ref's tiny armpit-hand

SIT DOWN!!!

No-one likes fans who get up and wander about during the match, but needs must. If you're addicted to £8 soggy Nachos, or have the bladder of a field mouse with interstitial cystitis, sometimes you just have to leave your seat. Let's have a small vending-train running around the stands with food and drink on, locked in plastic cases. These can be released when the pie-munching supporter taps his Credit Card on the box. This won't necessarily solve the bladder-control issue, but there is potential for the now-empty plastic boxes to be reused.

Next stop on the sausage express, St Pauli

So there we go Sepp, a few more ideas to get cracking on with now that you've succumbed to the pressure of the Wronged. It won't be long before we're all sat at home in front of our TV screens, controlling the players every move, believing that it's just as good as the real thing...

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