Animal Magic - the unifying power of the inane

This is the first guest-written blog on NC, featuring the writings of John Sills, who has recently been found writing for The Triumvirate.

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Arsenal & Spurs. Celtic & Rangers. Colchester & Southend.  Football is a game of intense rivalry.

Opposing sets of fans cram into grounds up and down the country every week, wearing their tribal colours, ready to yell on their team and hurl abuse at the other lot. Every tackle, throw-in, and offside decision is seen through two completely opposite lenses. Statistics are useless – the two sides will never be brought together in agreement, never be unified, never can one be happy without the other being sad.

Unless a squirrel turns up.

It doesn’t matter how important the game, how bitter the rivalry, how much blood has been spilt – an animal entering the field of play is guaranteed to completely change everyone’s mood. As recently as this week, during the Liverpool vs Spurs game, a cat appeared after 10 minutes, and was immediately being cheered by all as it evaded capture from a labouring Brad Friedel. A couple of years ago, the Manchester United mouse (not to be mistaken for Michael Owen) made headlines across the world, and who can forget Arsenal’s new signing in 2006? A squirrel appeared at left-back and had a superb 15 minutes, being cheered on with chants of ‘There’s only one squirrel’ and ‘Squirrel for England’…

The squirrel denied he was only doing it to impress the microphone

It’s not only animals that have this magical unifying power. We’ve all cheered with our temporary enemies as the referee slips over, pathetically dives after being manhandled (Paul Alcock, I’m looking at you), or gets hit by the ball – although not if it interferes with play. Floodlights going off seem to inspire the unified cheering reaction too, despite the obvious detrimental effect it could have on the game.

And despite the fact that Football managers are all usually ex-footballers at some level, surrounded by the game on a daily basis, the crowd still goes wild in harmony whenever a gaffer raises his Brogued-foot and flicks the ball back towards the pitch and the waiting player.

Ancelotti copies Torres’ ‘head over the ball’ stance

There is, however, nothing that unifies a crowd more than during European matches, when the travelling support visiting our shores try to sign – in English with a heavy German accent, usually – ‘Stand up if you hate (insert opposition’s rival team name here)’. A congratulatory round of applause accompanied by approving nods of heads ensues, before battle recommences.

So, forget baton-wielding policemen, green mesh netting between seats, and pre-match pleading for supporters to behave – the only way to keep fans at peace is to flash the floodlights, give the manager a ball, grab a runaway guinea pig and throw it towards the Ref at a crucial point in the game. That’ll calm things down.

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I'm hoping to feature some more guest writers in the future. If you have any ideas along the general theme of the blog, feel free to let me know via Facebook or Twitter.